a few words:

what is this game we play?
what is the sense of being so contrived?
was this your fault or mine
because we need to figure this out.
the face he makes when he whispers
is not unlike how i feel.
something much more terrifying in
the eyes of the one you love.
an excuse to keep holding on.
say words for the sake of the exhale.
the breaking down to rebuild.
i won't crawl back to that state.
i may not know where i belong but
i can tell when i'm about to fall.
i won't this time, i swear.
half-felt ideas.
loving you is like making
promises with fingers crossed.
will tonight ever end?
it's so unlike you to say goodbye.
=====================================================================
patience, patience, patience.
this is the waiting.
it's all in the waiting.
the inbetween time.
the uncomfortable in your throat and heart.
where can she run with broken legs?
her eyes search back to the familiar and
still she is left unsatisfied.
a bigger purpose for her heart is all she can ask for.
go about it the right way and be patient, dear.
hold strong and steady to what you can become.
it's all in the searching.
self-respect was lost along the way.
who and what decides our worth?
the pulse has dulled and her eyes lost their glow.
no longer golden, set and unchanging in the sun.
careful and determined.
she continues searching for the mysterious
self-control.
confidence on the brink of the collapse.
to stay here will be a stuggle.

you know your worth.
you know what you deserve.
stop and see with clearer eyes for the first time.
you can do this all alone.
================================================
the night was born inside of my room.
the sky was blood red on your drive home.
the morning light broke through and will
resonate within the words unspoken.
don't tell me about forever because forever
is just too hopeful.
i'm not hopeful.
don't count on me to see this through
because tomorrow is a day away.
you're hopeful and i just can't stay.
there are mouthfuls of words yet to be sung
and these phrases keep falling from my tongue.
the sky couldn't have been darker if it tried.
i'm tired but sleep won't come.
my nerves and racing mind will never calm..
===============================================
can you enter softly and fall into my bed?
whisper something almost true.
give me the potential of faith,
this is my only request.
i promise i will keep you close.

all too often words are overly spoken
so tell me something that you believe in..
a time when you deceived the only one you've ever loved,
those four letters crash together and create a sound
the sonnet of honesty and honestly i'll hide my secrets
force me to trust you.

i know i'll hide my fears until my walls feel weak.
vulnerability isn't okay with me but i'll try.
silence is strength.
you have all the reason to lie to me.
don't drag this out, pull me in.
=========================================
well what's the use of shaking hands?
the lives we've led until now?
a quivered silence between the sheets
a girl left empty and broken
too many questions filled her head
"don't let darkness pull you in"
he turned out the light
no tears left her eyes
for the first time she felt sight

your heart is filled with regret
forcing yourself to change everything
you deserve nothing less
the fire still burns in the morning
it's your choice to keep ignoring
deny the guilt away

a frozen state of self-confliction
she doesn't have the guts for this
the pills you swallow are good for awhile
but you can't keep running away
i've known you to stomach fear
you say your eyes are clearer now.

it's sickening with every tally mark
she keeps track with the scars on her heart
stay awake to keep from falling apart

deny the guilt away.

i'll use you up.

i get bored with the male population. i get bored with the female population. i am constantly losing interest and bouncing from person and person worth hanging onto. i think i like a guy enough to get to know him...then i just....stop. it's good but weird. i'm so glad i'm single. so glad. it makes things so much easier and more relaxed. i don't like one thing about him? no problem! buhbye. it's freedom.

i can't wait to see kelsey on monday. i miss my best friend. katie is doing my hair this week. it's gonna be mostly dark dark brown and white underneath. it will be better cuz my hair is fried and i wanna change my part/bangs. it's finally getting longer.

i'm sorry. i had an awful headache and i took vicodin. my thoughts are completely random and weird. i thought i had more to say than this. guess not. bye.

anxiety chokes me like razor wire

you come home in 14 days. i'll see you on that saturday. i hope i don't collapse. distance kept this easier. fight or flight.





anxiety chokes me like razor wire.
9 months later and i hope i can handle this.

when a curious girl realizes she's under glass...

something profound hit me today. i was raised in a pretty dramatic environment...meaning, there was always a problem with somebody or some fight going on or something to worry about. everyday i worry about something. mostly it's the things i'm taking the steps to fix right now. what happens when i get everything accomplished? what happens when i get my license, pay off usm, and get accepted into culinary school? to break it down:

i'm worried about what will happen to me when i don't have that many things to worry about.
i'm sure that it will be a long while before that happens. i'm always changing and i have so many goals but it still worries me. haha i'm silly. this is definitely something i'm going to bring up with my therapist.

day two of pilates. i woke up so sore today and then once i could actually do them today my power went out. it was awful. luckily it came back on soon after and i got to do them. i forgot how good this sore is. i used to be such a fitness freak. oh well. i hope by the end of the summer i'm lookin' good again. it's gonna take careful eating and alot more physical activity.

also- today wasn't half as terrible as i thought it would be. i woke up to my dad coming in my room and telling me my grandmother is sending me a check for $1,000 to go towards paying off my debt to usm. i'm so relieved. that means i only owe them $1500. that's so much better. i appreciate that more than she knows. i'm inviting her over for dinner this week.

i also spent time with my dad and grandfather being that it's father's day and all. we talked politics all through dinner. it was hilarious. my grampie cracks me up. anyways. that's about it. oh, i'm doing so freaking well with self-control too. it's been a month and i haven't reached out to a guy at all. well, i kissed one but that don't mean a thaaang. i'm pretty proud of myself.


well. time for reading, a movie and bed. maybe cleaning my room a bit inbetween there. g'night :]

when skies are grey....

lots of new things. forgive me, my brain is slightly scattered. i've started counseling again. just to get a few things figured out and to understand my impulsiveness and insecurity. so far i've gone to two sessions and talked about my ex-boyfriend that i was almost engaged to and my mother. the two major factors in the past two years. so far it's going well. my next session is on monday.

i was greatly looking forward to tomorrow. father's day. i had a whole day of fishing with my grandfather and father planned out. tonight my dad told me at 10:00 that we weren't going. i canceled big plans. i was supposed to go take photos of a band tonight. awesome. lost that promotional opportunity for nothing. i guess what upsets me the most is how let down i am. i feel like my entire life i'm always the one trying to sustain a healthy relationship with my father. he is the only parental figure i even respect. this is the story of my childhood. me competing for my fathers attention. it used to be work, then drag racing, now his girlfriend. i'm so happy that he found someone. yet again i'm forgotten. i guess i should just suck it up. i'm 19. i guess it's just frustrating because even when i live with him i don't see him.

my sleeping is still fucked up. i did start pilates today though. that's going to be painful but good. i need to get in shape. maybe then i'll feel better about myself. this rain isn't helping my mood lately. and i still need a job. this is the inbetween time. this is the waiting. the waiting is the hardest part. it's just so uncomfortable.


at least i'm trying.

i'm broken but not beyond repair...

tonight is full with an array of random thoughts and ideas mixed with half felt emotions and one thing stands true. i am restless. it's not so much lonely as it is restlessness. half of me is calling out and wanting someone to be close to. the other half is bored with that game. i'm proud i'm growing stronger. after 9 months. i'm growing stronger.


this is my first summer without him in 5 years.
i don't have that best friend to share the summer nights with. warm nights hold your reflection. the moon. the stars. the smell. the air. the air holds us in what we were back then. those memories cling to every single drop of moisture in the air just waiting to land somewhere and call it home. i miss you on nights like these. i miss the friendship on nights like these. the companion that i thought i would have forever. was that such a silly assumption? was i lead blindly into some false hope of retaining everything you had to offer anyone? being the only one? the only thing i wanted? the only thing i shared the night air with? that was our time. we'd watch movies. not sleep because it was too hot. go for our walks and talk about anything that wanted to venture past our tongues. we would kiss. we would live in those nights.

last summer was different. we did not hold each other like we used to that first summer. we walked...we talked...but it felt much heavier. the humidity wasn't just in the spaces between and around us, it was in our hearts. we were burdened with a sense of confusion and restlessness. money became everything. missed opportunities now counted for so much more than they used to. i wanted adventure. you had grown so much more comfortable. i needed change. i needed more attention. and so i ventured. i had earned it. i had worked so hard for us. i thought i needed some sort of vacation. that's when we drifted. the path split in two. i still loved you but you weren't giving enough. you had settled down and became so sure that you had me. i was still floating while you had buried your anchor deep within the earth. this is the regret. this is what i would kill to change. the resentment that followed is unlike anything i have read about in books or seen in movies. the pain and desperation within me and the blindness that you were so stubborn about...how did we lose ourselves?


we forgot. we forgot. we forgot.
i miss you. i miss you. i miss you.





and although i'm so far from where i was in the fall.
my heart is still being pieced together.

important things heather needs to remember #2

you may be stressed out and so confused, but guess what? you're still moving forward towards what you want in this life.

everything i've got...

kelsey leaves friday. she'll be gone for all of july. it's be really awesome to see her almost everyday for the past two months. i missed her advice. she's such a great best friend. she's helped me figure out alot.

today is dreary. all week is supposed to be rainy. i hate this weather. what happened to summer? i hate this waiting game. waiting for summer, waiting to hear back from jobs, waiting to go back school, waiting for the world to MOVE.

i need some change and i hate that i'm so impatient and i have all these dreams that i'm so willing to chase and do anything for but because i made some mistakes in the past, i've got to wait to fix everything. i'm lucky i'm not that far in debt. it's just so frustrating to try so hard and do everything the right way and STILL get shafted so to speak.

the one good thing is that when it comes to guys lately, i'm not being fucking stupid like i used to. i'm not so quick to believe everything and i actually want to take things slow. i don't know why i have to move so fast all the time. i guess i get bored and i just feel the need to run. i don't know. but hopefully somethings start looking up. hopefully i get hired somewhere soon. hopefully i get some shit figured out.

in other news...

life has been pretty tough lately and i'm just trying to roll with the punches. my surgery went well. they only found fluid behind my left ovary which is great that i'm healthy but not good because i don't know what's caused all this pain for the past year. my friends have come through 80 fold. coming home early from europe and driving from CT to maine, then to NY, then back to maine, then back to CT in 3 days?!?!?! coming to visit and bring me treats and just to say hi, man i am lucky. i have amazing people in my life.

this weekend was stressful but awesome. i love kelsey to death. i could not ask for a better best friend. i'm really gonna miss her when she goes to do her summer job.

me on the other hand, i'm trying to get shit together. it's soo fucking hard. it's all a waiting game. i need to work for my dad long enough to get myself on my feet. i have a good feeling this time next year, i will not be in this state. this is my goal. i need to buckle down on my finances, pay off my bills, and just suck it up and not spend fucking money every time i get bored. it's just fucking stupid. i need to pay off 2500 dollars and get at least 2 grand in my savings. i need this. i need to grow up all ready and stop living from whim to whim. it's time for me to start waking up and becoming a 20 year old like i'm going to be in a matter of months. of course i'll still have fun...but i need to get my life on some sort of track. i'm going nowhere and it's just lame.

i'm better than this town. i've got more to give than any of these stupid judgemental people realize or even want to give me credit for. i guess over all, i just need to start proving every thing that i feel i am capable of to myself.

i think i'll write more tomorrow. it's 3:13am and i've gotten 6 hours of sleep in the past 3 days.

you've got this silly way of keeping me on the edge of my seat.

i am such a contradiction to everyone around me. i'm so convincing that i almost make myself believe. the past will not die. let's review to all of the times i've talked shit about you. told everyone around how much of a douchebag i thought you were. how you wouldn't leave me alone. how i made a terrible mistake by uprooting my life to another state. let's break it all down.
-you and i have both fucked up from the start
-we went about things all the wrong way
-you are the only one that understands my humor/goofball side and send it right back to me.
-you share the exact same passions as me
-we both almost live double lives within ourselves and we both recognize it
-we fight and hate eachother for like a month but then forgive eachother.
-we always end up missing eachother (you just say it first)
-we're both stubborn
-we are constantly reminded of eachother
-you're family liked me over all your other tricks.
-i'm sure mine will like you
-we should have done things the right way



i don't know about you. i trust you to an extent. it's gonna take alot to trust you again. i mean, i fucking lot. i don't know how it's gonna work with this distance. i dunno how long we're gonna have to wait. i just feel like we aren't done. despite all of the bullshit, i did love you. and i believe you loved me. i could feel it. we were just rushed and both confused. i think if we did it the right way, every thing would be perfect.


like i said. i don't know. maybe i'm still confused. i just know everything comes back to you. i've been secretly comparing. others don't add up. time will play this out.