when skies are grey....

lots of new things. forgive me, my brain is slightly scattered. i've started counseling again. just to get a few things figured out and to understand my impulsiveness and insecurity. so far i've gone to two sessions and talked about my ex-boyfriend that i was almost engaged to and my mother. the two major factors in the past two years. so far it's going well. my next session is on monday.

i was greatly looking forward to tomorrow. father's day. i had a whole day of fishing with my grandfather and father planned out. tonight my dad told me at 10:00 that we weren't going. i canceled big plans. i was supposed to go take photos of a band tonight. awesome. lost that promotional opportunity for nothing. i guess what upsets me the most is how let down i am. i feel like my entire life i'm always the one trying to sustain a healthy relationship with my father. he is the only parental figure i even respect. this is the story of my childhood. me competing for my fathers attention. it used to be work, then drag racing, now his girlfriend. i'm so happy that he found someone. yet again i'm forgotten. i guess i should just suck it up. i'm 19. i guess it's just frustrating because even when i live with him i don't see him.

my sleeping is still fucked up. i did start pilates today though. that's going to be painful but good. i need to get in shape. maybe then i'll feel better about myself. this rain isn't helping my mood lately. and i still need a job. this is the inbetween time. this is the waiting. the waiting is the hardest part. it's just so uncomfortable.


at least i'm trying.