i'm broken but not beyond repair...

tonight is full with an array of random thoughts and ideas mixed with half felt emotions and one thing stands true. i am restless. it's not so much lonely as it is restlessness. half of me is calling out and wanting someone to be close to. the other half is bored with that game. i'm proud i'm growing stronger. after 9 months. i'm growing stronger.


this is my first summer without him in 5 years.
i don't have that best friend to share the summer nights with. warm nights hold your reflection. the moon. the stars. the smell. the air. the air holds us in what we were back then. those memories cling to every single drop of moisture in the air just waiting to land somewhere and call it home. i miss you on nights like these. i miss the friendship on nights like these. the companion that i thought i would have forever. was that such a silly assumption? was i lead blindly into some false hope of retaining everything you had to offer anyone? being the only one? the only thing i wanted? the only thing i shared the night air with? that was our time. we'd watch movies. not sleep because it was too hot. go for our walks and talk about anything that wanted to venture past our tongues. we would kiss. we would live in those nights.

last summer was different. we did not hold each other like we used to that first summer. we walked...we talked...but it felt much heavier. the humidity wasn't just in the spaces between and around us, it was in our hearts. we were burdened with a sense of confusion and restlessness. money became everything. missed opportunities now counted for so much more than they used to. i wanted adventure. you had grown so much more comfortable. i needed change. i needed more attention. and so i ventured. i had earned it. i had worked so hard for us. i thought i needed some sort of vacation. that's when we drifted. the path split in two. i still loved you but you weren't giving enough. you had settled down and became so sure that you had me. i was still floating while you had buried your anchor deep within the earth. this is the regret. this is what i would kill to change. the resentment that followed is unlike anything i have read about in books or seen in movies. the pain and desperation within me and the blindness that you were so stubborn about...how did we lose ourselves?


we forgot. we forgot. we forgot.
i miss you. i miss you. i miss you.





and although i'm so far from where i was in the fall.
my heart is still being pieced together.