what will become of us all? i feel torn. how should i feel about the past? how should i look ahead? i'm so cautious but i'm down for being care-free. i don't want a crutch. that's what substance is becoming...maybe not so much these last couple weeks. but i fear it will spiral out of control. i'd rather not ever feel that way. at least i've realized it. that's a good sign. haha.
so. california. it WILL happen. it HAS to. i need that change. i need to be thrown into a new situation. i know i'll have an awesome time. i can't help but imagine all the new friends i will make. and the photography?? oh my gosh. i will take so many pictures. this will be so worth it.
i'm so excited....
i feel so inspired to write right now...but nothing is coming out the right way...like at all.
i don't even know how to form it all into words...the pieces aren't right.
although, i will say this. i think i found another piece that DOES fit.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Sunday, October 26, 2008
some seek forgiveness, others escape.
I heard a voice through the discord
of a deluge of passersby.
I saw one gaze frozen in time
watching me passing by.
I swear I'll know your face in the crowd,
and I'll hear your voice so loud
When you're whispering...
hey unfaithful I will teach you
to be stronger, to be stronger.
hey ungraceful I will teach you
to forgive one another....
no sleep tonight. i don't think it could even attempt to be possible. a couple weeks ago i was talking to my best friend after a pretty crazy incident had just occured out of nowhere. in the midst of my disblief she told me she envied me. ha. she actually envied the fact that my life has always thrown me situations of astronomical size that i am forced to react to. i told her that she deals with tons of things and she forgets she attends school in boston and spent all of last year going around the western side of the united states helping to better the lives of others. her comeback was simple. "i create those things...yours just happen"
this has proven true yet again as of saturday. i was enjoying what had been an amazing saturday morning and early afternoon and then i found out the news. i guess i should have expected it...or maybe i just should have opened my eyes and actually acted about the situation instead of pretending it wasn't true. a fabricated story to calm my insecurities. i guess it's just a natural defense mechanism. i think back to the time wasted that i will never retrieve.
i need to make up for that lost time.
i need the west coast.
i often wonder why i always seem to get so caught up in labeling things, people, situations....
it's not necessarily judgement..it's only a slight stereotype to figure out where things fit into my life. i'm still trying to figure out where he fits. all signs point to yeah..except the one we're working on. the west coast. i hope things work out. i never meant to find this...but it just was.
very organic in every sense. it just seems right. only time will play this out.
i have been going at 100 mph for alittle too long now. i think i need to slow down my life...
i just don't know how. my nerves have definitely shown improvement. still have a hard time keeping a normal sleeping/eating routine but i have recently quit bitting my nails. crazy. it's the first time in 16 years. (only assuming i didn't chew my nails before the age of four...)
i dunno, i think i'd prefer short nails to being well-rested though.
i'm trying to become better at saying no. specifically to people that just cause more clutter in my life. just..random people that i don't need right now. i'll admit...it sounds weird but it's harder than i thought. i didn't think i was this big of a pushover until i really stopped to think about it. it's almost pathetic.
saturday night i did something that i never ever wanted to do. drink to forget. i really didn't drink alot...but i did it at the moment where every time i tried to get my head to switch gears it idled in the worst of spots. so, i took shots of the most horrid tasting vodka...wait..i lied. it wasn't orloff or king's crown...so i suppose there are worse..but it wasn't easy. haha. then we went to the maine mall and i wanted EVERYTHING in forever21. i was probably blatantly intoxicated. decker and classy adam picked out 6 dresses for me to try on. they all looked terrible. and i never came out to show them. they we're angry. then we got chinese...well..they got chinese. i took two bites and two swigs of mountain until my drunken ADHD decided to say "heyyyyy" and forced me to walk to hot topic. there was a man dressed as a woman. pink, black, and white fake dreds. a short gothic skirt. and fishnet on the major appendages. it was scary. he smiled at me and i smiled back though. and there are some really shweet new shirts there.
oh! earlier that day we went and saw high school musical three.
i was great. decker and i had goosebumps. haha. it was weird but fun.
we discussed why females aren't good at video games, went to target for snacks and a ridiculous scarf for decker, drank two redbulls, anddd then the night i explained above occured.
i feel like there is too much pressure put on people. like...who sets the stupid standards of society?? i really want to know. is there a secret society that sets the bar for everything we do? if so..sign me up. i'd like to adjust some things. it's just plain out of control.
i hate sleeping alone. i hate waking up alone. i hate when boys that are good friends become weird and then call you in a drunken stupor telling you that they have fallen in love with you.
i hate being lied to....only when i FIND OUT that i was lied to. does that seem fucked up??
that's really the only time i mind being lied to...when i find out the truth. hmm. i like living in darkness. of course, if i had the choice i would want complete honesty from the get-go but that just doesn't seem attainable in this day and age. we tell ourselves that is what we value...but how often do we followthrough? no one is perfect...and yet we try so very hard to hold ourselves up to these ideals that we preach...only to more often than not: fail.
this post has been all of the place. i apologize. i'm supposed to be waking up for work in about 5 hours. i doubt that will happen. and this weekend has been nothing but a surge of many different emotions to say the least. without a doubt it has been wonderful though. never stop talking. i love it.
of a deluge of passersby.
I saw one gaze frozen in time
watching me passing by.
I swear I'll know your face in the crowd,
and I'll hear your voice so loud
When you're whispering...
hey unfaithful I will teach you
to be stronger, to be stronger.
hey ungraceful I will teach you
to forgive one another....
no sleep tonight. i don't think it could even attempt to be possible. a couple weeks ago i was talking to my best friend after a pretty crazy incident had just occured out of nowhere. in the midst of my disblief she told me she envied me. ha. she actually envied the fact that my life has always thrown me situations of astronomical size that i am forced to react to. i told her that she deals with tons of things and she forgets she attends school in boston and spent all of last year going around the western side of the united states helping to better the lives of others. her comeback was simple. "i create those things...yours just happen"
this has proven true yet again as of saturday. i was enjoying what had been an amazing saturday morning and early afternoon and then i found out the news. i guess i should have expected it...or maybe i just should have opened my eyes and actually acted about the situation instead of pretending it wasn't true. a fabricated story to calm my insecurities. i guess it's just a natural defense mechanism. i think back to the time wasted that i will never retrieve.
i need to make up for that lost time.
i need the west coast.
i often wonder why i always seem to get so caught up in labeling things, people, situations....
it's not necessarily judgement..it's only a slight stereotype to figure out where things fit into my life. i'm still trying to figure out where he fits. all signs point to yeah..except the one we're working on. the west coast. i hope things work out. i never meant to find this...but it just was.
very organic in every sense. it just seems right. only time will play this out.
i have been going at 100 mph for alittle too long now. i think i need to slow down my life...
i just don't know how. my nerves have definitely shown improvement. still have a hard time keeping a normal sleeping/eating routine but i have recently quit bitting my nails. crazy. it's the first time in 16 years. (only assuming i didn't chew my nails before the age of four...)
i dunno, i think i'd prefer short nails to being well-rested though.
i'm trying to become better at saying no. specifically to people that just cause more clutter in my life. just..random people that i don't need right now. i'll admit...it sounds weird but it's harder than i thought. i didn't think i was this big of a pushover until i really stopped to think about it. it's almost pathetic.
saturday night i did something that i never ever wanted to do. drink to forget. i really didn't drink alot...but i did it at the moment where every time i tried to get my head to switch gears it idled in the worst of spots. so, i took shots of the most horrid tasting vodka...wait..i lied. it wasn't orloff or king's crown...so i suppose there are worse..but it wasn't easy. haha. then we went to the maine mall and i wanted EVERYTHING in forever21. i was probably blatantly intoxicated. decker and classy adam picked out 6 dresses for me to try on. they all looked terrible. and i never came out to show them. they we're angry. then we got chinese...well..they got chinese. i took two bites and two swigs of mountain until my drunken ADHD decided to say "heyyyyy" and forced me to walk to hot topic. there was a man dressed as a woman. pink, black, and white fake dreds. a short gothic skirt. and fishnet on the major appendages. it was scary. he smiled at me and i smiled back though. and there are some really shweet new shirts there.
oh! earlier that day we went and saw high school musical three.
i was great. decker and i had goosebumps. haha. it was weird but fun.
we discussed why females aren't good at video games, went to target for snacks and a ridiculous scarf for decker, drank two redbulls, anddd then the night i explained above occured.
i feel like there is too much pressure put on people. like...who sets the stupid standards of society?? i really want to know. is there a secret society that sets the bar for everything we do? if so..sign me up. i'd like to adjust some things. it's just plain out of control.
i hate sleeping alone. i hate waking up alone. i hate when boys that are good friends become weird and then call you in a drunken stupor telling you that they have fallen in love with you.
i hate being lied to....only when i FIND OUT that i was lied to. does that seem fucked up??
that's really the only time i mind being lied to...when i find out the truth. hmm. i like living in darkness. of course, if i had the choice i would want complete honesty from the get-go but that just doesn't seem attainable in this day and age. we tell ourselves that is what we value...but how often do we followthrough? no one is perfect...and yet we try so very hard to hold ourselves up to these ideals that we preach...only to more often than not: fail.
this post has been all of the place. i apologize. i'm supposed to be waking up for work in about 5 hours. i doubt that will happen. and this weekend has been nothing but a surge of many different emotions to say the least. without a doubt it has been wonderful though. never stop talking. i love it.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
this town is diseased.
originally written august 24th, 2008.
this town is plagued with a highly toxic strand of gossip. it turns people into experts of how others should live their lives and how they should act and present themselves. this is why i was so excited to go on tour. every single move i make is watched by these people and judged. no one is real. absolutely no one. they are there for you one moment and you turn their back and they grab a shotgun and shoot you when you're down. it is ridiculous. this is not a circle of friends. it is a circle of let's talk about everyone and say all of our opinions even though we really don't know what's going on half the time for real.
this is immaturity at it's purest state. using someone's name and not generalizing in a myspace survey about who you are "dissapointed" in. why do i care if i dissapoint you? honestly, in our illusion of friendship there has been nothing but dissapointment. i'm actually sorry i was ever there for you. it was never really returned. this was a waste of time.
everything i've said or done for the past two months has been twisted and shifted and misconstrued to be something much more dramatic and juicy. if i wasn't such an easy target, some one else would be talked about. i didn't have this much drama even when i was in fucking high school. this is why i can really only hang out with dudes that are about 3 years older than me.
little girls talk shit and make excuses. get out of denial. you're just like the rest.
soon, this whole town, this whole state, this whole plague will be out of my life. when i'm gone, who will you talk about? i'm glad i made your life that much more interesting for the past half year. good luck when i'm gone.
this town is plagued with a highly toxic strand of gossip. it turns people into experts of how others should live their lives and how they should act and present themselves. this is why i was so excited to go on tour. every single move i make is watched by these people and judged. no one is real. absolutely no one. they are there for you one moment and you turn their back and they grab a shotgun and shoot you when you're down. it is ridiculous. this is not a circle of friends. it is a circle of let's talk about everyone and say all of our opinions even though we really don't know what's going on half the time for real.
this is immaturity at it's purest state. using someone's name and not generalizing in a myspace survey about who you are "dissapointed" in. why do i care if i dissapoint you? honestly, in our illusion of friendship there has been nothing but dissapointment. i'm actually sorry i was ever there for you. it was never really returned. this was a waste of time.
everything i've said or done for the past two months has been twisted and shifted and misconstrued to be something much more dramatic and juicy. if i wasn't such an easy target, some one else would be talked about. i didn't have this much drama even when i was in fucking high school. this is why i can really only hang out with dudes that are about 3 years older than me.
little girls talk shit and make excuses. get out of denial. you're just like the rest.
soon, this whole town, this whole state, this whole plague will be out of my life. when i'm gone, who will you talk about? i'm glad i made your life that much more interesting for the past half year. good luck when i'm gone.
digital killed the radio star
written march 14th, 2008
this is a time for insight. I find myself listening to a new folk band I have discovered (the snake the cross the crown) and I’m still on a introspective high after watching Into The Wild. I saw a phrase tonight that really brought some thoughts to the front of my mind. digital killed the radio star. simple phrase with loads of meaning and truth.
so many small-minded teenagers blog all afternoon on all these sites such as absolutepunk.net and many others...thinking that they are amature music critics and that maybe their opinions will matter and cause alittle drama and controversy via the cyber world which they place themselves in. they start extremely mediocre and stale rumors about bands and/or band members in hopes that they will get more thread replies. it’s sad really that there are kids on these messageboards that will join and within three months have thousands of posts. where are their lives headed? let’s sit on our asses all day and talk about meaningless things. I have an idea, let’s go outside and take life by the throat and squeeze until we’ve gotten everything we want out of it.
sure, sometimes these boards and sites are really informative and they can discuss things of actual importance. but when they waste their time discussing which album is better by bands or whether or not a band has sold out...or better yet, even more degrading topics such as whether or not they would "bang" hayley williams. when paramore dropped the last dates of their tour in the UK sooo many rumors flew. "hayley is pregnant. they’re breaking up. she wants the spotlight."....how about we take a second to think. the band members age’s range from 17 to 23. maybe the limelight and constant touring got to them.
but oh no, that’s not juicy enough. that won’t get you high thread replies.
or how about how they’ve constantly compared paramore, but mostly hayley, to singers such as gwen steffani or avril lavigne. this makes me kinda irritated. hayley has far more vocal power, not to mention better lyrics and musical talent than avril. why can’t our society be content with accepting a band for who they are. why are forced to categorize and compare? such a waste of time.
as a society we are never content. this will be our downfall.
this post wasn’t meant to purely focus on paramore. they are just the best example I can give to describe what happens to tons of bands. I just felt the need to get these thoughts out of head. hopefully I got through to a few of you.
this is a time for insight. I find myself listening to a new folk band I have discovered (the snake the cross the crown) and I’m still on a introspective high after watching Into The Wild. I saw a phrase tonight that really brought some thoughts to the front of my mind. digital killed the radio star. simple phrase with loads of meaning and truth.
so many small-minded teenagers blog all afternoon on all these sites such as absolutepunk.net and many others...thinking that they are amature music critics and that maybe their opinions will matter and cause alittle drama and controversy via the cyber world which they place themselves in. they start extremely mediocre and stale rumors about bands and/or band members in hopes that they will get more thread replies. it’s sad really that there are kids on these messageboards that will join and within three months have thousands of posts. where are their lives headed? let’s sit on our asses all day and talk about meaningless things. I have an idea, let’s go outside and take life by the throat and squeeze until we’ve gotten everything we want out of it.
sure, sometimes these boards and sites are really informative and they can discuss things of actual importance. but when they waste their time discussing which album is better by bands or whether or not a band has sold out...or better yet, even more degrading topics such as whether or not they would "bang" hayley williams. when paramore dropped the last dates of their tour in the UK sooo many rumors flew. "hayley is pregnant. they’re breaking up. she wants the spotlight."....how about we take a second to think. the band members age’s range from 17 to 23. maybe the limelight and constant touring got to them.
but oh no, that’s not juicy enough. that won’t get you high thread replies.
or how about how they’ve constantly compared paramore, but mostly hayley, to singers such as gwen steffani or avril lavigne. this makes me kinda irritated. hayley has far more vocal power, not to mention better lyrics and musical talent than avril. why can’t our society be content with accepting a band for who they are. why are forced to categorize and compare? such a waste of time.
as a society we are never content. this will be our downfall.
this post wasn’t meant to purely focus on paramore. they are just the best example I can give to describe what happens to tons of bands. I just felt the need to get these thoughts out of head. hopefully I got through to a few of you.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
you've caused this collapse
between the heart and the synapse.
the recieving end of sirens feels fitting of today. i've been working non-stop lately. i do need the money but i have a prediction that by the time i am 50 i will need two fake knees. haha. my body is terrible and hates standing/walking/bending/running around for 8 hours at a time. ugh.
what a whirl-wind these past couple weeks..months..years have been. it really blows my mind how comfortable i've gotten with change. it used to scare me so much. now it's just another day in my life. no big deal.
time for honesty. this is soooo like me. it is so likely of my personality and my history to do this AGAIN. although the situation may be the same, the characters in the situation are completely different in the best way. i told myself: wait till boston. wait for school. you don't need anymore boys taking your time and making you lose all focus. and what happens?? an amazing boy that's what. music, intelligence, hobbies, personality, adorable, hilarious, and above all...completely genuine. i never thought i'd meet someone...boy OR girl as weird as me. i know we are all weird. don't get me wrong, anyone who claims they are average is a liar. but...like..i'm fucked in the head in the best sense...and so is he. of course, things will go completely slow.
wow. just think. at the beginning of this month...i thought so very very differently.
i felt so very differently. people have lost my trust and my attention. while he reaped the benefits. i'm spending my weekend with him. i'm excited.
he is literally my favorite kind of person. no lies. the kind that stays awake all night and will talk about anything and everything. he always has an opinion and something either random or epic to state. and it's fantastic. i hope colorado can happen...or won't happen for either us...as selfish as that sounds. of course, if he does go without me...it will be very hard for me emotionally but i really hope he has an amazing time out there. i know he will. without question. i just need an escape too. i hate it here. i want a GOOD winter...cuz i already miss summer..
i feel like this blog is so one-dimensional. haha. i should probably fill in the other facets of my life.
hmm. concerts soon! i'm doing a mini-vacation in boston/providence soon. i'll be staying with my best friend<333>
Thursday, October 16, 2008
never turn your back.
i should have expected this...i mean, i felt it coming, but did i expect it?? not really, no. "expect nothing and you'll never be disappointed" such truth. i expectedthings from you for so long...and you never even tried. and so, i felt the pain..the torture...the weakness. i hate feeling weak. i hate vulnerablity. more often than not when i let my guard down and turn my back for a moment....i get hurt. it's an odd feeling having your heart start breaking while you're still IN a relationship..let alone when a person moves acrossed the country based on the fact that they THINK it will make things better...and you know. in a way. everything is better. i do not feel used anymore. i feel like i'm getting back to the basics of myself. i'm of course still trying to figure out who that person is..but i do know some solid facts about myself:
-i am honest
-i am giving
-i am willing
-i am open
-i lay my heart on the line too often
-i know a few things i want out of life..
-i am finally living for ME.
you on the other hand. oh you. you will never change. it's not in your nature. you said it yourself. you're stubborn...but oh no. that can't be 100% truth...you changed your opinion of me. you don't want the same thing...but as for your selfishness?? i think that will always remain. or maybe you just really let that shine through with me. maybe not with her. good thing she makes you smile...since i knew that all along. i guess i was just a petty servant that you picked and choosed times to show your attention. oh, but she always had it, didn't she.
things will never be the same. not now. not after everything. i should have listened to my gut. but oh the things...the truths...that i will never tell a single soul. they won't haunt me forever, this is true...but they would leave you bleeding. it's too late now to tell and not even worth it.
i wonder if i'll ever get as wrapped up within myself as you are...hmm. i doubt it. i guess that's because i TRULY put other people first. you never saw that...or maybe you did...and that's why you took advantage me. that must be the reason.
but after all this venting. i feel i should move to a better topic. one of me finally feeling truly happy. i feel recognized for all the right reasons...i feel appreciated. i feel....at peace. restful. calm. i guess he's the type of person to make you feel that way. it's amazing to have a conversation about the same books that we love. the same music we crave. and singing together? oh my gosh. amazingggg vocals. i could sing with him allllll day. not to mention amazing early morning conversations about life, our pasts, and the "high school heather" haha. i'm not saying this will turn into anything...i'm not saying it WON'T turn into anything...it's just refreshing and calming...
this is another genuine friend that i've been needing. a friend is someone who is there for you and willing to be there for you in times of need...and to make you LAUGH! and i cannot breathe around him with all the random statements...gosh, it's great.
tonight was needed. a time for clarity...
and a time for gravity. he's is creating my gravity.
thank you. both of you. for opening my eyes.
say goodbye to say hello.
-i am honest
-i am giving
-i am willing
-i am open
-i lay my heart on the line too often
-i know a few things i want out of life..
-i am finally living for ME.
you on the other hand. oh you. you will never change. it's not in your nature. you said it yourself. you're stubborn...but oh no. that can't be 100% truth...you changed your opinion of me. you don't want the same thing...but as for your selfishness?? i think that will always remain. or maybe you just really let that shine through with me. maybe not with her. good thing she makes you smile...since i knew that all along. i guess i was just a petty servant that you picked and choosed times to show your attention. oh, but she always had it, didn't she.
things will never be the same. not now. not after everything. i should have listened to my gut. but oh the things...the truths...that i will never tell a single soul. they won't haunt me forever, this is true...but they would leave you bleeding. it's too late now to tell and not even worth it.
i wonder if i'll ever get as wrapped up within myself as you are...hmm. i doubt it. i guess that's because i TRULY put other people first. you never saw that...or maybe you did...and that's why you took advantage me. that must be the reason.
but after all this venting. i feel i should move to a better topic. one of me finally feeling truly happy. i feel recognized for all the right reasons...i feel appreciated. i feel....at peace. restful. calm. i guess he's the type of person to make you feel that way. it's amazing to have a conversation about the same books that we love. the same music we crave. and singing together? oh my gosh. amazingggg vocals. i could sing with him allllll day. not to mention amazing early morning conversations about life, our pasts, and the "high school heather" haha. i'm not saying this will turn into anything...i'm not saying it WON'T turn into anything...it's just refreshing and calming...
this is another genuine friend that i've been needing. a friend is someone who is there for you and willing to be there for you in times of need...and to make you LAUGH! and i cannot breathe around him with all the random statements...gosh, it's great.
tonight was needed. a time for clarity...
and a time for gravity. he's is creating my gravity.
thank you. both of you. for opening my eyes.
say goodbye to say hello.
Thursday, October 09, 2008
too bright to see too loud to hear
the new underOath cd is amazing. i don't care. it's so start-to-finish mind-blowing. it's my favorite from them so far. the 3oh!3 cd is addictive. new anberlin is superb. new senses fail is also amazing. i'm loving all my new music so much.
i have no idea why the song "too bright to see too loud to hear" makes me want to cry. it's just...moving. leave it to underoath :]
i havent't been sleeping. going on about 6 days now that i don't sleep til after 5am.
this morning i went to bed at 7:15. wtf is that. i don't understand. it's really starting to worry me. it better change before i go back to work.
oh! i'm going to a show tonight. :] august burns red, sky eats airplane, greeley estates, and this or the apocalypse. first hardcore show in soooooo long. :] i'm really pumped.
maybe i'll be able to sleep tonight. i mean, i doubt it. but yea. haha.
alright that was a quicky. i'll write more soon.
i have no idea why the song "too bright to see too loud to hear" makes me want to cry. it's just...moving. leave it to underoath :]
i havent't been sleeping. going on about 6 days now that i don't sleep til after 5am.
this morning i went to bed at 7:15. wtf is that. i don't understand. it's really starting to worry me. it better change before i go back to work.
oh! i'm going to a show tonight. :] august burns red, sky eats airplane, greeley estates, and this or the apocalypse. first hardcore show in soooooo long. :] i'm really pumped.
maybe i'll be able to sleep tonight. i mean, i doubt it. but yea. haha.
alright that was a quicky. i'll write more soon.
Sunday, October 05, 2008
for the first time...
hmm. who would want to read about anything that i would ever have to say. i ramble. i try and make sense of things, people, and situations. it rarely works. i'm looking out the window of a coffee shop and the clouds are rolling in...i should head home soon. i don't want to. i've been cooped up far too long inside of that apartment and i'd rather not be there anymore. i am a mess. i won't lie to myself anymore. i am running away from what i'm feeling inside for the second time in my life. the last time i did this i wound up in the hospital. i'm becoming reckless. i don't like who i am so i am constantly changing trying to become something..a fragment of something i once would have liked to be. body alterations offer a temporary fix to the bigger idea of what i'm feeling. i'm heart broken. i'm fucked up. and i'm looking for things inside of people. i have boys telling me so often that they could be what i need. they would take care of me and treat me the way i deserve to be treated. for once, i'd love for people to stop talking and start doing. affirmative action. that's what we need. that's what i need. i feel so stagnant. i need to go back to school. i need to make more money. i need to get out of this state and not become the wasted potential i fear that i am becoming. it scares me. i am so much more than what i show to people. they see my care-free and happy-go-lucky personality and think that i am no deeper than a glass of water. i am a confused ocean of possibility. that's impossible to show...and i rarely care to offer a glimpse. i'm not trying to come across as a "woe is me" sort of girl. i'm not really. sure, i tend to feel sorry for myself from time to time when things get really rough..but mostly, i really wish someone could even grasp my thoughts. i'd like to think that someone could be myself but in my 19 years of exsistence...it has not come to be. my psychology teacher used to have nothing left to say in my logbook except for that i over-analyze myself. i really do. i toss the shards of glass over and over in my head until i turn them into sand again. typical. so. back to the running. i'm running from my fear of being alone this winter. winter isn't a good time of year for me. my emotions run at a different wave-length than the rest of me. the one person i have ever truly loved...that ever really made me believe that "soul mates" could even be a legitimate idea...has just moved acrossed the country and i didn't go with him. from the day i met him i had always wanted to be with him. i was always drawn to him. we became best friends. and then lovers. and then...we fell apart. it was a very one-sided relationship. and there are things untold that will never be spoken or written of my validation. we were both part of the destruction. with the mention of soul mates, that would entail that if it was truly meant to be then we will be together again. who knows. time will tell. i suppose..we create our own fate...but i also think it's predetermined to an extent. time will play this off...
i suppose that's a pretty chunky first post.
i suppose that's a pretty chunky first post.
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