for the first time...

hmm. who would want to read about anything that i would ever have to say. i ramble. i try and make sense of things, people, and situations. it rarely works. i'm looking out the window of a coffee shop and the clouds are rolling in...i should head home soon. i don't want to. i've been cooped up far too long inside of that apartment and i'd rather not be there anymore. i am a mess. i won't lie to myself anymore. i am running away from what i'm feeling inside for the second time in my life. the last time i did this i wound up in the hospital. i'm becoming reckless. i don't like who i am so i am constantly changing trying to become something..a fragment of something i once would have liked to be. body alterations offer a temporary fix to the bigger idea of what i'm feeling. i'm heart broken. i'm fucked up. and i'm looking for things inside of people. i have boys telling me so often that they could be what i need. they would take care of me and treat me the way i deserve to be treated. for once, i'd love for people to stop talking and start doing. affirmative action. that's what we need. that's what i need. i feel so stagnant. i need to go back to school. i need to make more money. i need to get out of this state and not become the wasted potential i fear that i am becoming. it scares me. i am so much more than what i show to people. they see my care-free and happy-go-lucky personality and think that i am no deeper than a glass of water. i am a confused ocean of possibility. that's impossible to show...and i rarely care to offer a glimpse. i'm not trying to come across as a "woe is me" sort of girl. i'm not really. sure, i tend to feel sorry for myself from time to time when things get really rough..but mostly, i really wish someone could even grasp my thoughts. i'd like to think that someone could be myself but in my 19 years of exsistence...it has not come to be. my psychology teacher used to have nothing left to say in my logbook except for that i over-analyze myself. i really do. i toss the shards of glass over and over in my head until i turn them into sand again. typical. so. back to the running. i'm running from my fear of being alone this winter. winter isn't a good time of year for me. my emotions run at a different wave-length than the rest of me. the one person i have ever truly loved...that ever really made me believe that "soul mates" could even be a legitimate idea...has just moved acrossed the country and i didn't go with him. from the day i met him i had always wanted to be with him. i was always drawn to him. we became best friends. and then lovers. and then...we fell apart. it was a very one-sided relationship. and there are things untold that will never be spoken or written of my validation. we were both part of the destruction. with the mention of soul mates, that would entail that if it was truly meant to be then we will be together again. who knows. time will tell. i suppose..we create our own fate...but i also think it's predetermined to an extent. time will play this off...

i suppose that's a pretty chunky first post.