some seek forgiveness, others escape.

I heard a voice through the discord
of a deluge of passersby.
I saw one gaze frozen in time
watching me passing by.

I swear I'll know your face in the crowd,
and I'll hear your voice so loud
When you're whispering...

hey unfaithful I will teach you
to be stronger, to be stronger.
hey ungraceful I will teach you
to forgive one another....



no sleep tonight. i don't think it could even attempt to be possible. a couple weeks ago i was talking to my best friend after a pretty crazy incident had just occured out of nowhere. in the midst of my disblief she told me she envied me. ha. she actually envied the fact that my life has always thrown me situations of astronomical size that i am forced to react to. i told her that she deals with tons of things and she forgets she attends school in boston and spent all of last year going around the western side of the united states helping to better the lives of others. her comeback was simple. "i create those things...yours just happen"

this has proven true yet again as of saturday. i was enjoying what had been an amazing saturday morning and early afternoon and then i found out the news. i guess i should have expected it...or maybe i just should have opened my eyes and actually acted about the situation instead of pretending it wasn't true. a fabricated story to calm my insecurities. i guess it's just a natural defense mechanism. i think back to the time wasted that i will never retrieve.
i need to make up for that lost time.
i need the west coast.


i often wonder why i always seem to get so caught up in labeling things, people, situations....
it's not necessarily judgement..it's only a slight stereotype to figure out where things fit into my life. i'm still trying to figure out where he fits. all signs point to yeah..except the one we're working on. the west coast. i hope things work out. i never meant to find this...but it just was.
very organic in every sense. it just seems right. only time will play this out.


i have been going at 100 mph for alittle too long now. i think i need to slow down my life...
i just don't know how. my nerves have definitely shown improvement. still have a hard time keeping a normal sleeping/eating routine but i have recently quit bitting my nails. crazy. it's the first time in 16 years. (only assuming i didn't chew my nails before the age of four...)
i dunno, i think i'd prefer short nails to being well-rested though.

i'm trying to become better at saying no. specifically to people that just cause more clutter in my life. just..random people that i don't need right now. i'll admit...it sounds weird but it's harder than i thought. i didn't think i was this big of a pushover until i really stopped to think about it. it's almost pathetic.


saturday night i did something that i never ever wanted to do. drink to forget. i really didn't drink alot...but i did it at the moment where every time i tried to get my head to switch gears it idled in the worst of spots. so, i took shots of the most horrid tasting vodka...wait..i lied. it wasn't orloff or king's crown...so i suppose there are worse..but it wasn't easy. haha. then we went to the maine mall and i wanted EVERYTHING in forever21. i was probably blatantly intoxicated. decker and classy adam picked out 6 dresses for me to try on. they all looked terrible. and i never came out to show them. they we're angry. then we got chinese...well..they got chinese. i took two bites and two swigs of mountain until my drunken ADHD decided to say "heyyyyy" and forced me to walk to hot topic. there was a man dressed as a woman. pink, black, and white fake dreds. a short gothic skirt. and fishnet on the major appendages. it was scary. he smiled at me and i smiled back though. and there are some really shweet new shirts there.
oh! earlier that day we went and saw high school musical three.
i was great. decker and i had goosebumps. haha. it was weird but fun.
we discussed why females aren't good at video games, went to target for snacks and a ridiculous scarf for decker, drank two redbulls, anddd then the night i explained above occured.


i feel like there is too much pressure put on people. like...who sets the stupid standards of society?? i really want to know. is there a secret society that sets the bar for everything we do? if so..sign me up. i'd like to adjust some things. it's just plain out of control.

i hate sleeping alone. i hate waking up alone. i hate when boys that are good friends become weird and then call you in a drunken stupor telling you that they have fallen in love with you.
i hate being lied to....only when i FIND OUT that i was lied to. does that seem fucked up??
that's really the only time i mind being lied to...when i find out the truth. hmm. i like living in darkness. of course, if i had the choice i would want complete honesty from the get-go but that just doesn't seem attainable in this day and age. we tell ourselves that is what we value...but how often do we followthrough? no one is perfect...and yet we try so very hard to hold ourselves up to these ideals that we preach...only to more often than not: fail.

this post has been all of the place. i apologize. i'm supposed to be waking up for work in about 5 hours. i doubt that will happen. and this weekend has been nothing but a surge of many different emotions to say the least. without a doubt it has been wonderful though. never stop talking. i love it.