don't let me disappear, don't let me fall apart

don't lead me to the wayside,
just don't let me go.
don't let me fade away.


i've been TREOSing it pretty hard this morning. i'm pretty much all smiles. it's thursday. i get to see kelsey-louuu today!! sooo pumped. and i stayed up wayyy to late talking on the phone last night. i figured out yet another hectic schedule for the weekend. here's the over-all itinerary:
friday: work till 4, pack, head to bangor, take photos of sound bender & the bay state.
saturday: on the bus at 9am, change buses in portland, arrive in south station at 1:40. spend the entire weekend in boston with sean (since he was lovely enough to buy me a bus ticket)
sunday&saturday: help sean saturday and sunday at the lannen fall cd release shows (since he manages them), and just be allll happy and giddy until i have to leave either sunday night or monday morning.


we've been dying to see each other. we both came to the conclusion last night that we couldn't wait another 8 days. haha sooo cheesey but so cute. i'm so excited to see him. it's only been like alittle over a week since i saw him but it wasn't enough. it's kinda cute cuz i'll see him the next weekend as well. the REAL weekend, his bday weekend. oh! and i finished his bday present...i'd describe it but i can't juuusssttt in case he reads this. also-i told my mom about him. i dunnno about this boy...it's pretty crazy how fast we liked each other. but i'm loving it. i missed good night phone calls and all day textathons. okay, sooo lame. i won't talk about it anymore.


basically i'm just really freaking bored at work and this was my only option. i do have to go through my itunes and fix a few track titles and sync my ipod. this 30 gb thing is killing me. i hate taking things off my ipod cuz i never know what i'll be in the mood for. oh well.


i suppose i'll stop rambling now. maybe i'll try writing today as well. somewthing different. like a conceptual story-esque lyric-y thing. yeah. that could work. kbye!

your eyes look like they've seen too much

i didn't think it was possible but i'm becoming more and more obsessed with the format. and the new fun cd is also pretty amazing. i hope i can buy my ticket for that show soon.

in other news:
this is a big fat lengthy update:
my family life is seriously lacking lately. i thought it was bad when i was younger. now my parents legitimately do not care...or rather, only care when it's at their convenience. i saw my father for the first time in 7 days yesterday. we said a total of about 10 words to each other, all of which were about work. i don't think he really wants me living here anymore...which i find confusing considering he basically lives at his girlfriends house. i don't want to seem melodramatic or full of self-pity but i honestly feel like he's using this almost like second chance to be the father he wasn't with me. he's all ready been there way more for his gf's daughter than he was for me when i was her age. i mean, part of me is very happy that he's at a place where he can offer that sort of fatherly support but the little girl part of me that misses her father isn't so much jealous as she is regretful. i've tried so hard for my father's attention and approval for literally my entire life. i used to go outside and try and help him fix trucks and cars when i was about 7 and 8. i would go do deliveries with him just so we could spend time. i even went on a week long trip to georgia in his big 18-wheeler to deliver paper because it was the only way i could see him. i've talked to him about this so many times. a couple weeks ago he made it perfectly clear to me that the only way he can fit me into his life is if i become more involved with drag racing. a couple of weeks ago we had a screaming match. i've made a lot of poor choices and mistakes in the past two years. i know that. i shouldn't have dropped out of school. i shouldn't have lived and financially supported my boyfriend at the time. i shouldn't have blown through all my hard-earned money. i shouldn't have moved to richmond, va. i know all of this. i really do. now is my time to fix all these things and go about life the right way. i've never been good at being told how to go about things. i have to fuck it all up and do it my own way for me to learn any sort of lesson. i've learned so much in two years and gotten a lot bullshit out of the way for the near future. now i can focus on me and getting my career going and figuring out what i want to become. in the fight he basically told me he was sick of every one in town asking why i haven't done anything with my life. i felt like a complete waste of a human being after that conversation. it shouldn't matter what other people's opinions are. i'm his daughter, not theirs. i may not have done anything with my life up to their standards but i've experienced so much and lived alittle. these past two years taught me so many things about myself and how strong i can be and how shitty most of the people in this world are and to just accept that and move on. i finally feel ready for school and to really start a new level in my life. i guess what it boils down to is that after that fight with my dad it proved to me the following things:
-i need to live on my own again
-i am actually trying incredibly hard to get everything figured out and it will not happen over night.
-i have short, medium, and long-term goals.
-my father does not give me credit for the effort i've put in.
-my father never has and never will be the father i would like him to be.


i'm okay with all of this. sure it's sad that i've wasted a lot of effort on him, but maybe one day he'll see. i'm not counting on it. i'm just going to get my shit together and move on because that's all i can do. no use in making myself crazy over it.


in other news:

i've been hanging out with katie a lot lately and i'm really glad i've pretty much got a new best friend. she's a really awesome girl and we can relate on a lot. she's been sort of keeping me sane by keeping me laughing and silly while i go through all this crap.

i've gotten a lot of photo shoots lined up for august!!! i'm so excited! two bands, a wedding, and some random girl. i'm only getting paid for two of them, (one band&the wedding) but it's such good promotion. i'm also working on getting an online portfolio/store set up. then i'll print some business cards. i want to advertise for prom photos, senior portraits, more weddings, and more bands by this spring/this summer. hopefully i get hired somewhere very soon and i can throw myself completely into working at least 40 hours a week. i think it will be good for me to be a workaholic again. it will keep my mind from wandering to stupid mindless bullshit. also-i'll finally pay off USM and start debt-free and save up. i would love to move to portland by next summer. i also really want to buy a crazy canon. even if i have to make payments. i need a better camera and laptop if i'm gonna be doing all these photoshoots. i've got really big plans. really big.

i get to see my kelseylouuu this week!! thursday to be exact. she's actually coming home from camp august 11. it's crazy how fast this summer has gone by. i need to see if i can get a few more hours at my dad's office so i can blow a whole bunch of money on kelsey for her 21ST!!! we're thinking about going to boston. and for my 20th i want to go to montreal. my birthday is october 3rd but i think i wanna wait till the next weekend cuz that will be Columbus day break and kelsey can come up to montreal too. i need her to come cuz i don't speak very much french. it will be pretty awesome to be in another country/city for my birthday. i've never done something awesome for my bday and last year sucked because of my surgery. i couldn't even talk. so lame.


also-i'm going down to boston aug. 7-9 for a cute boy's birthday. i'm hoping it will be awesome. i'm really excited to get to know him that much more. plus...i'm pretty sick of the bullshit in this state with boys and girls in general. speaking of which, i've found out a lot of shit that's been talked about recently about me. it's so ridiculous. i don't do anything to any of these girls. i don't even want to say it's because they're 17 & 18 because i was never like that when i was that age. i guess it's just the thing to do when you're part of the quote unquote, "scene". i've been trying to separate myself from anything dramatic these last couple months. deleting, blocking, and forgetting about all that stuff. it's pointless to me. it's a waste of time. there's a reason why i only hang out with three girls, two of which just started really coming into the picture. anyways, i think i took care of it...and if they continue to say anything, they're gonna have a problem. i don't take kindly to shit talking just for because you're bored. i know a lot of things about these girls that i could spread around but i don't because that's disrespectful and childish. k. moving on.


i guess that's about it on the update front. that's all i can really think about for right now. i hope this weekend goes smoothly and these photos come out rockin'. :]

warped tour 2009

so. warped tour. faaaaanatastic. i saw alexisonfire, underoath, senses fail, monty are i, a day to remember, the devil wears prada, chiodos, anti-flag, dear and the headlights, settings, versaemerge, saosin, ice nine kills, and alittle bit of 3oh!3. the was the most bands i've seen at warped and my favorite year yet. i got to meet alexisonfire and versaemerge. it was pretty fantastic. i even met a cute boy from boston that i'm going to see in a couple weeks. this is the first guy to spark my interest in about two months. i'm going into this without expectation. i'll play it by ear. :]


i guess i could write alot of things right now but i'm pretty scattered. i'll write soon.

who i am hates who i've been

i'm really okay. i really truly am. letting go and saying goodbye. i don't know why i force myself to hang on to such meaningless things...it translates to every genre in my existence. clothing for example, or even notebooks from sophomore year of high school...holding on to things i think i might need some day. i don't need any of it. i definitely didn't need any of them in my life.

yesterday i was mowing the lawn and it smelled like soccer season. i miss that feeling. the running and sweating until i am literally drained and so sore i can barely walk. but knowing every else on the team is right there with you. and you do it because you all love it. i played soccer for 10 years. it was just what i was supposed to do from august to november. i also started thinking back to the house i grew up in. the memories i will never let fade. when things were happier. my family was actually together. i may have done my own thing...but they were together. my parents were married. i jumped on the trampoline. i swam in the pool. i built forts in the back yard. i got married to the boy across the street with a veil of morning glory vines and flowers. i was constantly singing and making up songs about stories i had never been told. i would explore my back woods and pretend i was on great adventures. climbing up my favorite oak tree and just sitting and staring at the world around me. not really thinking but just knowing. riding my bike, my scooter, my rollerblades. walking around this small town for hours and hours. playing soccer in my backyard with friends. doing cartwheels everywhere. learning how to make hemp jewelry. moxie days. being in the moxie parade. not really being able to do anything but stay within a 20 minute walk from my house. i miss all of that. i miss feeling content in this town. i miss feeling like i have a place to belong.

for now i'm just floating through these days.
running together and becoming a blur.
maybe that's what i need. to glue these pages together
and just flow. get to some place better.
a place where i truly belong.


i'm ready for a home.

and amongst all this chaos, i found clarity.

delete. remove. block.
forget forget forget.
there's no need to remember.
this is moving on.
let's get back to what matters...
especially the people that matter.

insomnia is wrecking me lately.

i'm going back on adderol. i can't do this on my own anymore. i'm doing everything else the right way. i'm in therapy and i have outlets but it's just not enough. not for right now. adderol for even 4 months would help me. i would be more focused leading to less stress, less anxiety, and more sleeping and more accomplished. i just need this for a little while. my insomniac tendencies are killing me.

this next week will be interesting. tomorrow i have therapy at 9. then maybe some work. then cleaning. then starting at the gym with katie. that will be awesome. working out feels great lately. tuesday i'm volunteering again at the library then i'm going to portland for the night with joshua. we're gonna do more photo stuff soon. i really need to start writing down my concept photoshoot ideas. this is gonna be good. then it's a working and waiting game till friday. SUCH GOODNESS IS HAPPENING THIS WEEKEND!!!!! friday i'm probably going to the cambiata's last show and taking photos. then saturday it's moxie day AND boston for the dear hunter. then sunday night, i'm seeing my friends from mass and taking photos of their band. then chillage. it's gonna be an amazing weekend. and i should probably buy my warped tour ticket soon. that will be amazing.

FOURTH OF JULY:
this weekend was lovely. i went to portland with josh and co. to watch the fire works. then we partied at his apartment. apparently wine is my new poison. drank two bottles to myself. eesh. then today we went to OOB and met up with madore and talked about everything from the fall, ted, decker, bill, jon, jarrod, toast, anthony...everyone we know and what we've heard about them so far. it had been like 7 months. eesh. then josh and i walked around the old port for a while and then i came home and edited photos. it was just lovely.


things are looking up but i'm still stressed about alot. i'm always moving forward and growing. things just get tough sometimes.

i'll be just fine. i'm used to bullshit at this point and i will handle it as i see fit, even when judgmental and nosey bitches try to get in my way. :] i may live here for right now, but i left this town a long time ago.

to assume makes an ass out of JUST you.

girls girls girls girls girls. always assuming. "i know your type. i know your tricks. blahblahblah" i love when girls assume the type i am. there's a very specific reason as to why i have about 3 friends that are girls. all girls are sneaky. we all have an agenda. even me. and i think the best part is how good at keeping secrets i am. you have no idea and you never will. you can only believe what you were told and hope to god that that's the whole truth. (pssss. it's not.) of course, you trust him. you love him. why would he do anything to hurt you? here's another secret: boys have an agenda too. even YOURS. we are human. faith, trust, and love only take us so far when we're young. see, you assume that i only date band guys. that i'm sketchy. that i'm a whore. wrong on all accounts.
truth: i am attracted to any artistic person. for friendship or dating. that usually includes musicians. music is my passion. art is my life. how many "big" musicians have i dated? zero. obviously it's not about the money, it's about the shared passion. retard.
truth: i broke up with him because i was going through an extremely rough time in my life. i've actually broke up with the past three guys i dated for the same reason. i thought i was over it. i'm not. i was heartbroken from an almost engagement and was trying to fix myself. your boy was just being a friend. i ended up dating one of his friends because he is an amazing person. unfortunately, i wasn't able to return that at the state i was in. THAT'S why we broke up. nosey little bitch.
truth: you can't trust anyone but yourself. the trust you have for your boyfriend is a fucking illusion.


you claim you like hating on people because it's fun. well guess what? you would probably add to the enjoyment AND to the hate if you actually knew what you were talking about. you can't make assumptions simply based off of what you THINK is going on. obviously you know a lot less than you assume. it really just makes you look stupid. especially since i still talk to both of the boys. hmm. now who's the sketchy one in this situation now??