who i am hates who i've been

i'm really okay. i really truly am. letting go and saying goodbye. i don't know why i force myself to hang on to such meaningless things...it translates to every genre in my existence. clothing for example, or even notebooks from sophomore year of high school...holding on to things i think i might need some day. i don't need any of it. i definitely didn't need any of them in my life.

yesterday i was mowing the lawn and it smelled like soccer season. i miss that feeling. the running and sweating until i am literally drained and so sore i can barely walk. but knowing every else on the team is right there with you. and you do it because you all love it. i played soccer for 10 years. it was just what i was supposed to do from august to november. i also started thinking back to the house i grew up in. the memories i will never let fade. when things were happier. my family was actually together. i may have done my own thing...but they were together. my parents were married. i jumped on the trampoline. i swam in the pool. i built forts in the back yard. i got married to the boy across the street with a veil of morning glory vines and flowers. i was constantly singing and making up songs about stories i had never been told. i would explore my back woods and pretend i was on great adventures. climbing up my favorite oak tree and just sitting and staring at the world around me. not really thinking but just knowing. riding my bike, my scooter, my rollerblades. walking around this small town for hours and hours. playing soccer in my backyard with friends. doing cartwheels everywhere. learning how to make hemp jewelry. moxie days. being in the moxie parade. not really being able to do anything but stay within a 20 minute walk from my house. i miss all of that. i miss feeling content in this town. i miss feeling like i have a place to belong.

for now i'm just floating through these days.
running together and becoming a blur.
maybe that's what i need. to glue these pages together
and just flow. get to some place better.
a place where i truly belong.


i'm ready for a home.