your eyes look like they've seen too much

i didn't think it was possible but i'm becoming more and more obsessed with the format. and the new fun cd is also pretty amazing. i hope i can buy my ticket for that show soon.

in other news:
this is a big fat lengthy update:
my family life is seriously lacking lately. i thought it was bad when i was younger. now my parents legitimately do not care...or rather, only care when it's at their convenience. i saw my father for the first time in 7 days yesterday. we said a total of about 10 words to each other, all of which were about work. i don't think he really wants me living here anymore...which i find confusing considering he basically lives at his girlfriends house. i don't want to seem melodramatic or full of self-pity but i honestly feel like he's using this almost like second chance to be the father he wasn't with me. he's all ready been there way more for his gf's daughter than he was for me when i was her age. i mean, part of me is very happy that he's at a place where he can offer that sort of fatherly support but the little girl part of me that misses her father isn't so much jealous as she is regretful. i've tried so hard for my father's attention and approval for literally my entire life. i used to go outside and try and help him fix trucks and cars when i was about 7 and 8. i would go do deliveries with him just so we could spend time. i even went on a week long trip to georgia in his big 18-wheeler to deliver paper because it was the only way i could see him. i've talked to him about this so many times. a couple weeks ago he made it perfectly clear to me that the only way he can fit me into his life is if i become more involved with drag racing. a couple of weeks ago we had a screaming match. i've made a lot of poor choices and mistakes in the past two years. i know that. i shouldn't have dropped out of school. i shouldn't have lived and financially supported my boyfriend at the time. i shouldn't have blown through all my hard-earned money. i shouldn't have moved to richmond, va. i know all of this. i really do. now is my time to fix all these things and go about life the right way. i've never been good at being told how to go about things. i have to fuck it all up and do it my own way for me to learn any sort of lesson. i've learned so much in two years and gotten a lot bullshit out of the way for the near future. now i can focus on me and getting my career going and figuring out what i want to become. in the fight he basically told me he was sick of every one in town asking why i haven't done anything with my life. i felt like a complete waste of a human being after that conversation. it shouldn't matter what other people's opinions are. i'm his daughter, not theirs. i may not have done anything with my life up to their standards but i've experienced so much and lived alittle. these past two years taught me so many things about myself and how strong i can be and how shitty most of the people in this world are and to just accept that and move on. i finally feel ready for school and to really start a new level in my life. i guess what it boils down to is that after that fight with my dad it proved to me the following things:
-i need to live on my own again
-i am actually trying incredibly hard to get everything figured out and it will not happen over night.
-i have short, medium, and long-term goals.
-my father does not give me credit for the effort i've put in.
-my father never has and never will be the father i would like him to be.


i'm okay with all of this. sure it's sad that i've wasted a lot of effort on him, but maybe one day he'll see. i'm not counting on it. i'm just going to get my shit together and move on because that's all i can do. no use in making myself crazy over it.


in other news:

i've been hanging out with katie a lot lately and i'm really glad i've pretty much got a new best friend. she's a really awesome girl and we can relate on a lot. she's been sort of keeping me sane by keeping me laughing and silly while i go through all this crap.

i've gotten a lot of photo shoots lined up for august!!! i'm so excited! two bands, a wedding, and some random girl. i'm only getting paid for two of them, (one band&the wedding) but it's such good promotion. i'm also working on getting an online portfolio/store set up. then i'll print some business cards. i want to advertise for prom photos, senior portraits, more weddings, and more bands by this spring/this summer. hopefully i get hired somewhere very soon and i can throw myself completely into working at least 40 hours a week. i think it will be good for me to be a workaholic again. it will keep my mind from wandering to stupid mindless bullshit. also-i'll finally pay off USM and start debt-free and save up. i would love to move to portland by next summer. i also really want to buy a crazy canon. even if i have to make payments. i need a better camera and laptop if i'm gonna be doing all these photoshoots. i've got really big plans. really big.

i get to see my kelseylouuu this week!! thursday to be exact. she's actually coming home from camp august 11. it's crazy how fast this summer has gone by. i need to see if i can get a few more hours at my dad's office so i can blow a whole bunch of money on kelsey for her 21ST!!! we're thinking about going to boston. and for my 20th i want to go to montreal. my birthday is october 3rd but i think i wanna wait till the next weekend cuz that will be Columbus day break and kelsey can come up to montreal too. i need her to come cuz i don't speak very much french. it will be pretty awesome to be in another country/city for my birthday. i've never done something awesome for my bday and last year sucked because of my surgery. i couldn't even talk. so lame.


also-i'm going down to boston aug. 7-9 for a cute boy's birthday. i'm hoping it will be awesome. i'm really excited to get to know him that much more. plus...i'm pretty sick of the bullshit in this state with boys and girls in general. speaking of which, i've found out a lot of shit that's been talked about recently about me. it's so ridiculous. i don't do anything to any of these girls. i don't even want to say it's because they're 17 & 18 because i was never like that when i was that age. i guess it's just the thing to do when you're part of the quote unquote, "scene". i've been trying to separate myself from anything dramatic these last couple months. deleting, blocking, and forgetting about all that stuff. it's pointless to me. it's a waste of time. there's a reason why i only hang out with three girls, two of which just started really coming into the picture. anyways, i think i took care of it...and if they continue to say anything, they're gonna have a problem. i don't take kindly to shit talking just for because you're bored. i know a lot of things about these girls that i could spread around but i don't because that's disrespectful and childish. k. moving on.


i guess that's about it on the update front. that's all i can really think about for right now. i hope this weekend goes smoothly and these photos come out rockin'. :]