on the road again...

we leave between 6:30 and 7 this evening to partake on the 36 hour road trip that is lisbon falls, maine to key west, florida; the most southern point of the united states. i'm pretty near exhausted but i'm famous for falling asleep for a solid 12 hours as soon as we hit 95 south. that will be nice. plus i've all ready chatted it up with a few friends that promised a long and epic text battle to keep me entertained....and with a car crackberry charger...facebook, myspace, blackberry messenger and even even blogspot will be there to squish the boredom bug. then there's my little life savior, my ipod. 4,000 something songs to serenade me into roadtrip heaven. yay. plus, some ACTUAL cds for when i wanna share ze music with my fajah and his gf. i get the whole back seat to myself. it's pretty decked out too. i gots a comforter and pillows and slippers...(i hate wearing shoes on roadtrips) and i'll prolly bring some stuffed animals too. although i should have bought a stuffed giraffey. that woulda been fitting. hehe. we'll be there sunday morning and hang out for a few days and soak in the sun. then head back to dreary maine. and least i have someone to come home too now :]


on the boy front: i can haz boyfren. it is true. haha.


on the anxiety/worry front: i have lots. back into a relationship. back into where i'm the most comfortable and yet uneasy. trust, openess, shyness, realness, and above all else, vulnerability. the big V word, if you will. i guess this will be yet another learning experience for me. i need to learn to cope with the fact that yes, most people suck....but not all of them will hurt you. not everyone is untrustworthy. two people can be happy. it's such a scary idea to me....the cynic in me is screaming "don't completely trust!!! you know what happens when you do that!" and that cynic maybe right most of the time....but i'm so so very hopeful that this time is different. because he is different. i always say that and find out otherwise....but i'm even more hopeful that he REALLY IS different.


now, on THE OTHER BOY front: WHAT THE FUCK. sir richmond will not leave me alone. like, really?? really now?? you really think that you saying that you miss me and that you're different and you made a mistake and you're oh-so-very-unhappy will change my mind to some other opinion of you?? i'm sorry, but you are THE biggest liar i have ever met. and liars do not turn me on. (oh yes, i made a reference to one of his band's songs) 'cause seriously, you lied from the start...sure in some ways you treated more like a girlfriend than the ones in your past...but you threw me away. i moved my life around, for you, and trusted you, and you fucked a girl three days before my arrival in the very same bed we shared. yeah. ummmm. find someone else. you claim to love me. i would honestly like to know your definition...cuz it's seriously fucked up. you made your choice, now live with it. hehe i feel better. :]


now, with all of that said. i think that is good for now. more later.......
:]

here comes the sun, do do do do.

so. key west, florida is calling my name!!! i leave fridayyyyy. things are going pretty great. i do have a cold which is a huge let down. i just can't wait to be in a familiar place again! same hotel as always. same streets. same pool side sun. it feels like a second home! and i'm excited to feel at home in my tan skin again. plus, lot's of things to do in the month of april. sooo much. i hope i get it all done.



breaking news on the boy front: smiles. smiles. smiles. i'm on the borderline of giddy. i have a lot of optimism with what i got going right now. :]



hmm. that's all for now i suppose.

i'm always on the move.

and so this will be the 7th time i move within the last year. i get settled and then everything changes. my anxiety calms...and then everything is flipped around and i can't breathe anymore. this will be better though. i'm going to live with my dad again. in the building he owns. he's building me my own little apartment. i'll have a couch, art room, and bedroom and share his kitchen. this will be amazing actually. i can't deal with my mother anyway. this is good. this is better.


i will be just fine.

and i'm falling

and i'm falling quickly. i'm trying to stop it. it's not really working. i'm scared. i'm nervous. but accepting. and i suppose i'll just go with it and hope for the best?? it's hard when it's 95% to 5%.




wait.wait.wait.wait.wait.

you've gotta believe me...

i've been pretty much music drenched lately. downloading everyday. and i have some current obsessions. margot and the nuclear so & so's for starters. so depressing, so unique, such a pure tone, so perfect to my ears. another thing i have immersed myself in, P|H|O|T|O|G|R|A|P|H|Y

it has been amazing. i have been taking photos nonstop of so many things. friends, bands, nouns, verbs, all sorts of glorious things. my eyes feel like i have never seen from them until now and it is good and it is pure and it is real and it is my passion. i'm also about to finish a million little pieces by james frey. i've just been surrounded by art, literature and good people lately. it's comfort.

i get to see an old buddy in about 10 hours. george. my boston george. we attended an art camp together four years ago....my junior year was that long ago! whoa. odd to think about. but anywho, we've stayed in touch and he's home for break and we're gonna grab lunch and our lovely canon's will duel. so i'm sure i'll have EVEN MORE photography to edit. see, that's refreshing to me. :] i feel like it's becoming what i've wanted it to be.

wednesday i get to do something i'm great at....SHOP! i need a new bathing suit for key west as well as flippy floppies and new shorts. maybe a sun dress? whoa. that's a bold statement for me. tomboy supreme. for some reason, i am oddly chipper for 2:30am. maybe it's extreme exhaustion. i got three hours of sleep and i've been up for almost 24 hours.

key west is in 10 days. i am more than happy. it's just such a great feeling that washes over me when i think how amazing it will feel.


anyways. i feel like this was a good mini-update. it's good to write and not feel so confused about certain people in my life. i just am. i'm just going to be. toaism. nice. anyways sleep now.

g'night blogger world.

i'm a war of head vs. heart

and it will always be this way.
my head is weak, my heart always speaks,
before i know what it will say.










i want to fall in love.
that's too bad.




stuck. alone. and i cannot sleep without the radio on.
sleep will not come tonight....and i am overcome by too much thinking.



i cannot stop thinking about you.

cuz lately i've been tired and uninspired...

i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know.








this is harder than i thought. why am i so all-or-nothing?

a few photos.....

^^my life and my love.
^^i'm a dork.


^^that's my best friend kelsey.

these are a few of the photos i've taken with my new jank.

every plan is a tiny prayer to father time

what a complete 360 these past few days have been. i still have much to do...and i'm still pretty overwhelmed but you know, i'm happy. i want something. i'm striving for something. and i want enough to even turn down other possible options.
"and all you see is where else you could be
when you're at home
there on the street are so many
possibilities to not be alone"-death cab for cutie
that is no longer my perspective and it feels alive. i love it. i just really hope and wish that it continues to go as well as it is. i'm trying to stay a war of head vs. heart. that's is the smartest way to go about things. realistic and romantic. not easily controled. but i am learning. and i am hoping.


so my best friend kelsey and i and our friend joey went on a miniroadtrip to connecticut this weekend. and i also went to a fantastic local show on friday night. one of the best i've ever seen. it was a cover night. and it was amazing. and then i stayed at kelsey's. the next day we decided to go to ct. joey GAVE ME A CAMERA FOR FREE. a canon rebel EOS xs. fucking amazing. i'm in love with it. i barely leaves my hands. it's brand spanking new. it's perfection in a machine. anyways, we went on a little hike and i took photos nonstop. it will be amazing to have this when i go to key west. i need a memory card for it though. like a big card. then kelsey and i took a bus into portland yesterday night and we stayed with jeffroary and jason. i'm pretty sure giraffey is the human equivalent to a much needed sigh. but i digress. :p


joey also let me borrow three books. a million little pieces, which i've always wanted to read, the psychopathology of serial murder, since i am so into serial killers and the psychology behind them, and johnny got his gun, which he tells me is scary and awesome. so i have a new camera, new books, a new hat, a new rad flannel shirt, and so many new memories of fun and greatness.

and i also leave for key west in 16 days. this month shall be awesome. i think i'm heading to portland on friday to see E for explosion which has jamison from jamison parker. and plus i get to stay with giraffey which is always lovely. anyways. i think that's a good update. i am just happy. :]

margot and the nuclear so so's.

things you shouldnt do

I don't know where I went
When the bar doors closed
And I don't know what I drank
But I felt quite strange
When I said goodbye
Oh god, I'm scared
But I can't tell you that, can I?

And I was alone for days
When I lived in that place
And I was a walking corpse
When I saw your face
You turned me off
Mama, I'm scared
But I already told you that, didn't I?

Now I know you're tired
But there's some things you shouldn't do
Like giving your time
To people who don't care for you




this. band. is. amazing.
three new favorites tonight.

my insides shake

because you say things and you just don't realize what certain words you speak do to me.

tomorrow will come

i am still on a post-phone convo high. i don't get why some people don't like talking on the phone. i mean, sure i'd prefer to talk in person...but when that's not an option...i really don't mind it. i love those getting to know one another conversations. i guess i really just enjoy getting to know new people. especially since all my friends are always far away.

let's start in the past. friday i went down to worcester, ma for taste of chaos. i saw auburn, cancer bats, pierce the veil, bring me the horizon, four year strong, and thursday. it was awesome. then i spent the night there. then came back saturday during the day and stayed with a couple friends in portland until tuesday. i love those weekends in portland. i don't love wanting what i can't have but tonight put things into perspective...and now i know i want it but don't need it....as badly as i really do want it...and how amazing it plans out in my head...it's not for the best. or maybe i'm just impatient. but i don't think i'm what he would want long term anyways....but then again. i don't know anything.

anyways, today i did laundry galore. also, my best friend is coming home this weekend and i haven't seen her in ALMOST THREE MONTHS! that's just ridiculous. she's bringing her friend...our friend joey as well. we're all going to a show friday night and also mega sleepover all weekend. it will be weird not staying in portland. oh well. a change of pace will help with my perspective. but yeah, joey and i talked for about two hours tonight on the phone just about life and lessons and observation and religion and outlooks. it was just very nice. i like when i can relate to people that much. and they actually give me their outlook on things.

i also concluded that every single male in this world should be weary of me. i change my mind often. i am too spontaneous. and i still feel that i am only in love with the idea of love...and that i just can't stand being alone. there is an ideal i will never fulfill. and i guess i'm okay with that for now. i mean, i had a silly hope in something as of late........and despite all things that were exchanged...i was a typical wishful thinker...and GIRL and thought i could change a mind...and a heart. not so much. it's kind of a let down. but like i said, more than likely for the best.


i went from being so down about this...and feeling almost stuck in this process of thought...to just okay and neutral about it. the phone conversation and just a new point of view helped so much. this weekend will be amazing.


sidebar: iron and wine is my latest craving.