and baby i understand this is how you get by

the whole concept of saying your true thoughts while intoxicated kills me. then again i'm a total hypocrite because i love how free and brutally honest i am when i'm drunk. it's an amazing feeling. but it makes me feel weird when the tables get turned. maybe it's only because he's drunk and i'm very much sober, lonely, and stressed and all around fucking annoyed with target. those people have been total douchebags the past couple days. i SHOULD just not show up tomorrow.. but i need a pick up a few things so i will show up.

back to the subject.

i feel distant. i feel like i'm pushing myself away and i totally still have every wall up. nothing has changed. i just don't know. i guess i'm just always gonna do this. maybe this is just not what i want. i'm not sure.i don't even know how to figure it out.
ugh.




she sits alone with her back to the thoughts that fly past her.
she worries about what those voices might be saying.
she knows she'll never live this down in this tired town.

all she can do is hold her tongue and try to run
from everything holding her down. this is the take-off.
i hope i can shake off all this bad memories.
the lies. the lives she used to lead.
she'd like to forget the past the love the memories.
she doesn't want to remember all the misleading.
being blind, deaf, and dumb is better than believing.

she won't let herself get hurt ever again.
pain is growth and she's grown enough..
the tears won't fall in the same places
and she won't need his face
he was so easily replaced.

love and forget. move and let it all fall away...
i'm so much better off without this place.
i need to remember to forget the one's who left.


^^that sucked. my brain is cloudy.

i need sleep. i need a break. i need to figure you out.

gobble!

it's thanksgiving. it's also 1:49am. i've been up for about...2o hours. awesome.
i'm stressed about time management today. i have friends to see and food to eat
and i have to divide my time ever so carefully because i have multiple
thanksgiving dinners to attend. mom's side. dad's side. i suppose it's good
i go to my dad's side first. by the way, i went to zeros in my ears JUST to try and freak
my whole dad's side. haha. and when i go to my mom's side i'll prolly drink a beer or two...
cuz they are just layed back like that...but also dramatic when the mood is just right.
i hope everything goes smoothly. i don't want any fucked up judgements from my aunt
ruining my holiday. and i know i'll be BOMBARDED with questions. ugh. i fucking hate that.



well i should probably sleep.
i've been listening to mayday parade an awful lot lately.
i totally have an obsession now. haha.


ps. twilight was incredible. appreciate it for what it was people.
overhyped and impossible to mimic the exact premise of the book.
love the book for what it is and the same for the movie. :]

g'night.

how can there be things that i still don't understand? what does that even mean? what was the purpose of those words? what's done is done. simple as that. and you can't forgive me for those reasons...and i can't forgive you for these reasons. simple. plain and simple.

there was a history for sure. that's what made this soooo messy. best friends are probably the worst to lose. i would take it all back to have kept a best friend. there is nothing like a best friend. almost like another family member. someone to run to with all of your happiness, sadness, stress, goofiness. now we have awkwardness and the complications of STILL trying to see it evenly. it was always a comparison and competition. at least we still have our musical sharing. hahaha.


boston was fantastic. i became homesick though. it always feels weird to travel so much alone. makes you feel surreal. or at least, that's how it makes me feel. traveling on the trains and buses and T's and listening to my ipod and people watching or thinking or window views....i'm not sure...it makes me feel almost disconnected.

i loved the endicott campus. it was gorgeous. and i had missed george. he always reminds me of haystack considering that is how we met. that was one of the greatest moments in my life. haystack was life changing and unforgettable. and it BLOWS my mind how even after a year and a half of barely keeping in touch...we still can just chill together so very naturally. that's how you know you've got a good friend.

i do feel sadness though. i feel like i haven't been a good enough friend to kels as of late. both of our lives are so crazy on two different planes. i guess it's kind of inevitable that things can get lost in the air...she means alot to me. she's been there with me through so very much. she's seen me at my lowest and my highest and even in my rutts. i'm glad i still have her to call a best friend.


time is counting down for me until i leave. i cannot wait to get out of this place. maine hold way too much baggage for my liking. too much history. too many memories. too many things to remind of things that i would rather erase.


it's 3:09am. i'm not even tired yet. i wonder if the new it's always sunny is up yet....

i caught myself.

how do i feel? how should i be feeling? how should i filter these emotions and thoughts and ideas and plans? i have all these questions and what-ifs and doubts and promises spinning faster and faster in my head and i wish i could push pause long enough to fall asleep. tomorrow i go to boston. i'm staying there until wednesday and seeing faces i miss. i want to try and get some good photography in while i'm down there. i'm really hoping to go to the to write love on her arms talk at umass on sunday night. i sometimes forget how much twloha means to me...and WHAT it means to me.

hope is such a heavy word. to believe, to desire, to trust...trust in so many things. putting your faith into something knowing full out that you will be blind. how does one overcome that fear of the unknown? you kind of just have to go with it. i wonder if the people that can literally give themselves into something or someone so completely...ever feel disappointment. they must look at things so optimistically...like, sure they just gave their all and received lies and pain...but it will be alright because that's the way things were just supposed to be.
i am not that person. i'm not sure how to trust completely. i am so very open and ready towards newness...and i have the ability to speak so very freely about deeply upsetting things from my past...and yet, i cannot give myself over completely...meaning..my heart. my heart and my mind often separate themselves entirely.


i cannot even trust myself let alone put my "faith" in someone else. i feel like much to much of a pessimist to EVER really grasp the concept of faith. it feels unrealistic and silly to me. i like to live in the tangible. i suppose this is why i believe in evolution and have "faith" in something but i choose not to give it a name like God. that is just me.


...................................................................................


i haven't been sleeping right. i don't like sleeping alone. i got so very used to sleeping next to him. i missed that comfort. i feel restless without it. he asked me the other night what we would do if colorado didn't work out. i told him we would get jobs. and then he asked if we would get an apartment. a smile and blushing promptly rushed to my face. that idea blew my mind. someone so willing to just start anew and include me in that start. he is the perfect balance. if i picked all the good parts about the past ones...and combined them ALLLLLL together...you would get adam. it's a pretty good feeling. i'm glad he's around. and i love how we take it slow but fast...
haha that makes NO sense but if you knew us it would. we just fit.

i should probably try to sleep. i need to be up at 4am. this post felt sufficient.

twenty-three...

i felt for sure last night
that once we said goodbye
no one else will know these lonely dreams
no one else will know that part of me
i'm still driving away
and I'm sorry every day
i won't always love these selfish things
i won't always live...
not stopping...

it was my turn to decide
i knew this was our time
no one else will have me like you do
no one else will have me, only you

you'll sit alone forever
if you wait for the right time
what are you hoping for?
i'm here I'm now I'm ready
holding on tight
don't give away the end
the one thing that stays mine

amazing still it seems
i'll be 23
i won't always love what I'll never have
i won't always live in my regrets- jimmy eat world

colorado sunrise.

so i've had a shit ton of bad luck and health as of the last week and a half. a couple trips to the ER and a couple to the doctor. i don't really feel like discussing it on here. ehh.

i will however discuss my happiness. :] he makes me soooo soo very happy. i have never met another human being with the qualities that he has. he appreciates me. he's a REAL man. now, this doesn't just mean that he opens doors, and offers to pay for things..well demands he pays for things...but he is THERE for me. he loves to ask me questions. when i feel scared or worried he wants to be there for me. he's giver. he is perfection. he's fucking hilarious and weird just like me. ugh. he is the greatest, i definitely did NOT see this coming. :]



i really can't wait to wake up next to him every morning. and like he said tonight "i can't wait till the power goes out and we stay in bed and have massive cuddle sessions." hahaha<33

colorado. here we come<3

the potential devastion is weighing on me heavily

things were going so well. i have been so happy with everything lately. i'm still working my life away but i still try and fine time to have fun. i'm making memories and plans and just living. then, last night i had to leave work early and go to the emergency room.

i could possibly have endometriosis. that leaves the possibility of never being able to have children. why am i put through all of these things? why does the entity that controls all of these things putting me through so much shit? how fucking strong do i have to be? it's always something with my health. always something to come out of nowhere to crush me. i'm trying so hard to hope but it's becoming increasingly hard to keep faith in anything.

i cried a lot last night. i'm so scared. i should find out for sure this week...
even if all signs and symptoms are pointing to "yes"