how do i feel? how should i be feeling? how should i filter these emotions and thoughts and ideas and plans? i have all these questions and what-ifs and doubts and promises spinning faster and faster in my head and i wish i could push pause long enough to fall asleep. tomorrow i go to boston. i'm staying there until wednesday and seeing faces i miss. i want to try and get some good photography in while i'm down there. i'm really hoping to go to the to write love on her arms talk at umass on sunday night. i sometimes forget how much twloha means to me...and WHAT it means to me.
hope is such a heavy word. to believe, to desire, to trust...trust in so many things. putting your faith into something knowing full out that you will be blind. how does one overcome that fear of the unknown? you kind of just have to go with it. i wonder if the people that can literally give themselves into something or someone so completely...ever feel disappointment. they must look at things so optimistically...like, sure they just gave their all and received lies and pain...but it will be alright because that's the way things were just supposed to be.
i am not that person. i'm not sure how to trust completely. i am so very open and ready towards newness...and i have the ability to speak so very freely about deeply upsetting things from my past...and yet, i cannot give myself over completely...meaning..my heart. my heart and my mind often separate themselves entirely.
i cannot even trust myself let alone put my "faith" in someone else. i feel like much to much of a pessimist to EVER really grasp the concept of faith. it feels unrealistic and silly to me. i like to live in the tangible. i suppose this is why i believe in evolution and have "faith" in something but i choose not to give it a name like God. that is just me.
...................................................................................
i haven't been sleeping right. i don't like sleeping alone. i got so very used to sleeping next to him. i missed that comfort. i feel restless without it. he asked me the other night what we would do if colorado didn't work out. i told him we would get jobs. and then he asked if we would get an apartment. a smile and blushing promptly rushed to my face. that idea blew my mind. someone so willing to just start anew and include me in that start. he is the perfect balance. if i picked all the good parts about the past ones...and combined them ALLLLLL together...you would get adam. it's a pretty good feeling. i'm glad he's around. and i love how we take it slow but fast...
haha that makes NO sense but if you knew us it would. we just fit.
i should probably try to sleep. i need to be up at 4am. this post felt sufficient.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment