it's time to forget the past and learn to love what i have

i woke this morning after having really weird dreams. then i kinda just laid there and let my mind wander and it went to a really weird place in my past. it happened before i even really realized what was going on. it wasn't so much missing him or being resentful or anything like that. it was missing what i had with him...minus him being involved. living together, waking up together, coming home to each other. i really don't get why i am so perfectly content being on my own some days and then others it hits me like a ton of bricks and makes me want to be in love. how my head and heart have the ability to separate and then collide within a matter of hours is lost on me. i know what i need to do. i'm still trying to figure out exactly how to get there and i know having a boyfriend still isn't what i need right now. i keep telling myself not to rush. there's no time limit. i just see people around me happy, content, in relationships and i envy them because that used to be me. for 5 straight years, that was me. i need to be on my own. this is the only way i'm gonna learn. this is completely healthy for me. i just hope i can keep centering myself and reminding myself of what i need to do.


my grandmother had quadruple bypass surgery yesterday and is recovering just fine. i hope this wakes my mother and aunts up. i swear, if they don't stop smoking i will lose a ton of respect for them. all the time they give me shit for not caring about family as much as i'm "supposed" to. really? how the hell am i supposed to care about something that doesn't fucking care about themselves in the long run?? this is not a matter of substance or addiction or being against drugs or alcohol. this is a matter of fucking life and death. straight edge kids fucking piss me off. how many of them even fucking have a clue?? i feel like these days it is honestly so much of a fucking fad. "oh. i'm 17 and i'm gonna claim edge and as soon as i turn 18 ni'll get a shit ton of x's tattooed all over my body and by the time i'm 23 i'll have more than likely broken edge" GROW.THE.FUCK.UP. do not claim anything. just don't do it. how about that? when someone asks you if you wanna drink or smoke, say no. don't put it on fucking display. i never drank or smoked in high school. did i claim edge? fuck no. i just knew i had alcoholism in my family and saw what it has done to quit a few people in my life and i've had friends die in car accidents and i told myself i was just going to wait. my mom and my sister smoke so much fucking weed and are both chain smokers. did i do it? nope. sure, i've smoked weed. it used to help me sleep when i'd go 3 days without sleeping and still work a 40 hour work week. i am the only female in my family that doesn't smoke cigarettes. i refuse to. i think they're gross and i'm allergic to cigarette smoke. i've also watched two of my grandfathers succumb to massive amounts of cancer throughout their bodies because of it. they were diagnosed, fully recovered, and kept fucking smoking until they died of relapse. it makes me so sick to stomach to have my mother, my sister, and my two aunts give me shit about not wanting to spend time with the family when they could give a shit about themselves in the long run. how dare they? luckily my nana is a very smart and strong woman and has agreed to stop smoking. when i asked my mom if it had opened her eyes at all she responded with a very half-felt "yeah, when i'm less stressed." FUCK DEPENDENCY. grow the fuck up and find some fucking strength. i've been through so much bullshit and did i ever depend on drugs/alcohol/cigarettes? NOPE. i went to therapy. lots of therapy and i handled and coped with shit the right way. it was really fucking hard but i got through it and i'm a much stronger person. cop outs piss me off. my family pisses me off. i love them too damn much to see them speed up death. it's too much for a rational human being to take.


i guess all this ranting was done with my family...and yours in mind. even your friends. if you're edge or have friends that are edge and are offended, i'm sorry. that wasn't my angle. i'm sure alotta kids have really valid reasons as to why they don't do drugs. i just don't like how showy kids get with it now. i just don't think it's needed. but that's their choice and hopefully they stay true to it.

i really just felt like writing today. it's been a very hectic month with work and family issues and i'm just trying really hard to get through it all. i just really hope there's a bigger purpose to all this pain and testing.