photoshoots, shows, friends, recording MY OWN SONGS/starting a band, singingsingingsinging, seeing the starting line reunion show in philly, roadtrips, etc. december is going to be amazing. 2010 WILL BE AMAZING because i will make it that way. this year is gonna be fkn awesome if it kills me. i don't care if i never sleep. i'm going to make this year count.
new lyrics:
"mother"
september started to look familiar that wednesday afternoon/i sang along on my drive home/i had intentions and i list when i got the call/shock and anger stood in front of me/knocking me out/all i could do was scream/every light was red on the way to the emergency room/specks of light i can hardly recall/shaky hands, shaking my head in disbelief/this is too much for 19/this isn't what a daughter is supposed to do/i got the call and i came for you/don't say i never did anything/please, all i ask is a reason/give us an explanation for a decision made so brash, so sudden, so selfishly/the spotlight's really on you now/a mother and her daughter's/all they can do is wait/uncomfortable hangs above us all/i was furious but i hid it well/i cried on the second drive home and as i packed your clothes/that familiar hall was still as bright and off-hue as i had recalled/different floor, same excuse/a bottle with your name on it doesn't give you the fucking right/but somewhere you found the nerve/an addiction is a choice/those two that care must not be in your point of view/mother, we did not ask for this/we cannot be held responsible/you can't pass the blame when there's no one left to pick you up/life and death can't be weighed out by swallowing pills/what could you be thinking?/how could i ever respect any words that will leave your mouth?/how can i love someone that refuses to love themself?/ this was the last chance i could give you/heavy in my heart, i understand/i've been there too/you ran, i will stay/i cannot so easily abandon as you/one last time/one last time/one last time/make it count/
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Friday, November 13, 2009
it's time to forget the past and learn to love what i have
i woke this morning after having really weird dreams. then i kinda just laid there and let my mind wander and it went to a really weird place in my past. it happened before i even really realized what was going on. it wasn't so much missing him or being resentful or anything like that. it was missing what i had with him...minus him being involved. living together, waking up together, coming home to each other. i really don't get why i am so perfectly content being on my own some days and then others it hits me like a ton of bricks and makes me want to be in love. how my head and heart have the ability to separate and then collide within a matter of hours is lost on me. i know what i need to do. i'm still trying to figure out exactly how to get there and i know having a boyfriend still isn't what i need right now. i keep telling myself not to rush. there's no time limit. i just see people around me happy, content, in relationships and i envy them because that used to be me. for 5 straight years, that was me. i need to be on my own. this is the only way i'm gonna learn. this is completely healthy for me. i just hope i can keep centering myself and reminding myself of what i need to do.
my grandmother had quadruple bypass surgery yesterday and is recovering just fine. i hope this wakes my mother and aunts up. i swear, if they don't stop smoking i will lose a ton of respect for them. all the time they give me shit for not caring about family as much as i'm "supposed" to. really? how the hell am i supposed to care about something that doesn't fucking care about themselves in the long run?? this is not a matter of substance or addiction or being against drugs or alcohol. this is a matter of fucking life and death. straight edge kids fucking piss me off. how many of them even fucking have a clue?? i feel like these days it is honestly so much of a fucking fad. "oh. i'm 17 and i'm gonna claim edge and as soon as i turn 18 ni'll get a shit ton of x's tattooed all over my body and by the time i'm 23 i'll have more than likely broken edge" GROW.THE.FUCK.UP. do not claim anything. just don't do it. how about that? when someone asks you if you wanna drink or smoke, say no. don't put it on fucking display. i never drank or smoked in high school. did i claim edge? fuck no. i just knew i had alcoholism in my family and saw what it has done to quit a few people in my life and i've had friends die in car accidents and i told myself i was just going to wait. my mom and my sister smoke so much fucking weed and are both chain smokers. did i do it? nope. sure, i've smoked weed. it used to help me sleep when i'd go 3 days without sleeping and still work a 40 hour work week. i am the only female in my family that doesn't smoke cigarettes. i refuse to. i think they're gross and i'm allergic to cigarette smoke. i've also watched two of my grandfathers succumb to massive amounts of cancer throughout their bodies because of it. they were diagnosed, fully recovered, and kept fucking smoking until they died of relapse. it makes me so sick to stomach to have my mother, my sister, and my two aunts give me shit about not wanting to spend time with the family when they could give a shit about themselves in the long run. how dare they? luckily my nana is a very smart and strong woman and has agreed to stop smoking. when i asked my mom if it had opened her eyes at all she responded with a very half-felt "yeah, when i'm less stressed." FUCK DEPENDENCY. grow the fuck up and find some fucking strength. i've been through so much bullshit and did i ever depend on drugs/alcohol/cigarettes? NOPE. i went to therapy. lots of therapy and i handled and coped with shit the right way. it was really fucking hard but i got through it and i'm a much stronger person. cop outs piss me off. my family pisses me off. i love them too damn much to see them speed up death. it's too much for a rational human being to take.
i guess all this ranting was done with my family...and yours in mind. even your friends. if you're edge or have friends that are edge and are offended, i'm sorry. that wasn't my angle. i'm sure alotta kids have really valid reasons as to why they don't do drugs. i just don't like how showy kids get with it now. i just don't think it's needed. but that's their choice and hopefully they stay true to it.
i really just felt like writing today. it's been a very hectic month with work and family issues and i'm just trying really hard to get through it all. i just really hope there's a bigger purpose to all this pain and testing.
my grandmother had quadruple bypass surgery yesterday and is recovering just fine. i hope this wakes my mother and aunts up. i swear, if they don't stop smoking i will lose a ton of respect for them. all the time they give me shit for not caring about family as much as i'm "supposed" to. really? how the hell am i supposed to care about something that doesn't fucking care about themselves in the long run?? this is not a matter of substance or addiction or being against drugs or alcohol. this is a matter of fucking life and death. straight edge kids fucking piss me off. how many of them even fucking have a clue?? i feel like these days it is honestly so much of a fucking fad. "oh. i'm 17 and i'm gonna claim edge and as soon as i turn 18 ni'll get a shit ton of x's tattooed all over my body and by the time i'm 23 i'll have more than likely broken edge" GROW.THE.FUCK.UP. do not claim anything. just don't do it. how about that? when someone asks you if you wanna drink or smoke, say no. don't put it on fucking display. i never drank or smoked in high school. did i claim edge? fuck no. i just knew i had alcoholism in my family and saw what it has done to quit a few people in my life and i've had friends die in car accidents and i told myself i was just going to wait. my mom and my sister smoke so much fucking weed and are both chain smokers. did i do it? nope. sure, i've smoked weed. it used to help me sleep when i'd go 3 days without sleeping and still work a 40 hour work week. i am the only female in my family that doesn't smoke cigarettes. i refuse to. i think they're gross and i'm allergic to cigarette smoke. i've also watched two of my grandfathers succumb to massive amounts of cancer throughout their bodies because of it. they were diagnosed, fully recovered, and kept fucking smoking until they died of relapse. it makes me so sick to stomach to have my mother, my sister, and my two aunts give me shit about not wanting to spend time with the family when they could give a shit about themselves in the long run. how dare they? luckily my nana is a very smart and strong woman and has agreed to stop smoking. when i asked my mom if it had opened her eyes at all she responded with a very half-felt "yeah, when i'm less stressed." FUCK DEPENDENCY. grow the fuck up and find some fucking strength. i've been through so much bullshit and did i ever depend on drugs/alcohol/cigarettes? NOPE. i went to therapy. lots of therapy and i handled and coped with shit the right way. it was really fucking hard but i got through it and i'm a much stronger person. cop outs piss me off. my family pisses me off. i love them too damn much to see them speed up death. it's too much for a rational human being to take.
i guess all this ranting was done with my family...and yours in mind. even your friends. if you're edge or have friends that are edge and are offended, i'm sorry. that wasn't my angle. i'm sure alotta kids have really valid reasons as to why they don't do drugs. i just don't like how showy kids get with it now. i just don't think it's needed. but that's their choice and hopefully they stay true to it.
i really just felt like writing today. it's been a very hectic month with work and family issues and i'm just trying really hard to get through it all. i just really hope there's a bigger purpose to all this pain and testing.
Sunday, November 08, 2009
some how everything's gonna fall right into place...
what a hectic week i had. so much work. so much body pain, frustration, learning, overcompensating, and stress. saturday was so fun though. i'm glad i forced myself to go to the party. i should be asleep because i should wake up at like 4:15 in the am. it's currently 8:43pm. i'm going straight to portland to meet up with the dudes in lannen fall and give them their coooookies after work. haven't seen them since august. that's just silly. now for my real purpose of actually writing on here for the first time in a long while:
tonight my mom called me from a hospital. her and my aunt's are in nashville visiting my nana. apparently my nana had something go wrong and had to be taken to the ER in an ambulance today. the doctor's checked her heart and some off putting results came up on the EKG. my aunts are flying home tomorrow but my mom is staying through the week. they're trying to get my nana to come and live back here in maine with us. i honestly don't think she's going to agree. i'm hoping i can take the 21/22nd off and fly out there to see her. i haven't been since i was 12. plus, checking out nashville would be kinda cool. i just really hope there's nothing seriously wrong with my nana. i don't see her enough at all. i don't see any of my grand parents enough. i definitely don't see my dad enough...but then again he's not making any efforts either. i work so damn much.
i'm trying so hard to stay on track. all i do is work now. positive and negative. i need the money badly. i need to start school in january. i need i need i need. i WANT school now. less stress with money. more time with my good friends. not to deal with bullshit from anyone. i have enough stress and things to get worked up about. i want to block almost everyone out and focus.
the male population is not something i need distracting me. i've completely switched gears since the whole thing with sean went downhill. it's not really his fault or anything...well..it is and it isn't. it was a lesson very well learned. trust is hard. distance is harder. acceptance in is the hardest.
i guess what i learned from that pretty large disappointment is to definitely move at a snails place and do not put your faith and trust and self into some other person first. you never ever know. don't trust so easily...and be weary. basically, become extremely cautious and just wait it out. i'm terrible impatient but i'm really finally learning.
well, my mind is all over the place. the excedrin pm is kicking in. i'm feeling...full headed tonight. hopefully sleep will put some things into their proper place.
work will be pretty crazy tomorrow.
goodnight.
tonight my mom called me from a hospital. her and my aunt's are in nashville visiting my nana. apparently my nana had something go wrong and had to be taken to the ER in an ambulance today. the doctor's checked her heart and some off putting results came up on the EKG. my aunts are flying home tomorrow but my mom is staying through the week. they're trying to get my nana to come and live back here in maine with us. i honestly don't think she's going to agree. i'm hoping i can take the 21/22nd off and fly out there to see her. i haven't been since i was 12. plus, checking out nashville would be kinda cool. i just really hope there's nothing seriously wrong with my nana. i don't see her enough at all. i don't see any of my grand parents enough. i definitely don't see my dad enough...but then again he's not making any efforts either. i work so damn much.
i'm trying so hard to stay on track. all i do is work now. positive and negative. i need the money badly. i need to start school in january. i need i need i need. i WANT school now. less stress with money. more time with my good friends. not to deal with bullshit from anyone. i have enough stress and things to get worked up about. i want to block almost everyone out and focus.
the male population is not something i need distracting me. i've completely switched gears since the whole thing with sean went downhill. it's not really his fault or anything...well..it is and it isn't. it was a lesson very well learned. trust is hard. distance is harder. acceptance in is the hardest.
i guess what i learned from that pretty large disappointment is to definitely move at a snails place and do not put your faith and trust and self into some other person first. you never ever know. don't trust so easily...and be weary. basically, become extremely cautious and just wait it out. i'm terrible impatient but i'm really finally learning.
well, my mind is all over the place. the excedrin pm is kicking in. i'm feeling...full headed tonight. hopefully sleep will put some things into their proper place.
work will be pretty crazy tomorrow.
goodnight.
Sunday, November 01, 2009
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