what gauge measures miracles?

and what heart beats electrical?


i feel that weird internal mood today that i get sometimes. it also goes hand-in-hand with my inspiration. conor oberst does that to me. i dunno where i stand. honestly, i'm just kind of going through the days. i don't know what else to do. alcohol is sadly more prevalent these past couple weeks. i gotta cut that out. i make all these choices thinking it will make myself feel better and it ends up making me feel like shit. i dunno. i'm trying. always trying. trial and error is the alias of my life. i suppose that's growing up. i am doing so much better with selfcontrol though. a whole week and i haven't reached out the opposite sex for some sort of comfort in any form. that makes me seem like a whore. but i'm not. i just prefer to cuddle. that closeness i have with my guy buds. pretty much the one's that are like brothers.

i don't know. my brain is scattered. surgery is happening in 5 days. i'm nervous. i'm fucking scared out of my mind. but i'll have the comfort of my good good friends for the rest of the days following. i think i'm going to go paint cuz i can't write right now.

this is why i turn and walk away from everything.

and here i am. standing on my own. refocusing my own life causes trauma to others. i break down mankind. this is an art i have mastered. i don't like hurting people. i honestly don't but there comes a time when you must do the smart thing as opposed to the things i WANT to do. or to have. a relationship. i can't have one. not for a long time. not until i get everything accomplished and checked off my very long list of things i need to get done. i get so sidetracked by guys. and i get lonely. i like to procrastinate and put off the things i should have taken care of two years ago. i don't know how to balance a relationship and responsibilities. i need to get a second job....and i have BIG things i'm trying to consider.


BIG THING number 1: moving to keene, NH to live with kelsey while she attends keene state. i'd only live there for a year...maybe longer...but i would need to save up now for a couple months worth of rent because it's 600 a month for just one person. i'd really have to think about it...

BIG THING number 2: the americorps. kelsey did this volunteer program last year and she just traveled and built and helped and made a difference. i want to do it. i think it would be good for me. it's a ten month program but i'd see california. sigh. california. you get paid too. not alot, but a bit.



i have such terrible self control. this is going to be a very big test for me. VERY big. heather being on her own. truly on her own for AT LEAST a year. a whole year with no boyfriend. i think the longest i've gone without a boyfriend in the past 5 years was honestly a 2 month span. that's fucking stupid. it's not neccessarily that i can't be happy without a guy, it's just i love having someone. i love the closeness and i become so set on that...and i put that ahead of EVERYTHING and then two months later reality hits. i realize i don't have the time for everything. and i feel like the biggest bitch in the world for breaking up with i guy i put so much effort in. i never lie. i'm always true. and i say the things when i feel them. but then i have to separate myself.


i need to be alone. as much as i don't WANT to be...and as lonely as i'm gonna get...
i need to be alone.


it sucks that i love cuddling and love knowing people on all levels and that i'm mostly friends with guys. the hardest part will be saying "no" for the good of both of us. no more breaking boys. that's not good for either of us.


kelsey said i can't have another boyfriend until i get a second job and my license.
yeah, i'm a 19 year old without my license, so what? lmao. i take my test in like a week.
no big deal.lol


i guess what it boils down to is i feel awful about what i did. and what i've done. and how i let a guy make me feel. and how i reacted. and what i've done up until now.


lessons learned to the extreme. now, let's see if i fuck up again.








btw, the band deas vail is fucking incredible.

goodnight.

important things heather needs to remember #1

you cannot please everyone nor can you be friends with everyone. yes, you are versatile and can relate to many types of people but remember to be rational. people talk. people have their own agenda. give as much as you can while keeping yourself safe and realize most everyone is selfish but give everyone a chance. they only let you see what they want you to see.

may 4, 2007-september 5, 2008

i would take it all back to still have a best friend.

save me from myself

i hate today. i loathe today. i wish wish wish wish i would have done things differently.
i was stupid. ignorant. foolish. a waste. a calamity...


i still am a calamity...on the inside. so many things of various sizes ganging up on me at once...i'm not strong enough for this. i am always tested. every year it's something. something that brings me to the brink of collapse...and all these outside sources...friends, past lives, even the fucking rain can bring me to the edge. i am so close to the fall. these nights are the sort of nights where i wish i had a crutch. alcohol. something. something to make me numb and stupid to the real world...just for alittle while so i can breathe without my chest hurting from panick stricken anxiety that is slowly breaking me down. we understand what it means to break down. i so fully and completely know what it means to break down. it happens all the time. the pressure. the build up. the fall. the collapse. the rebuilding. always fixing my broken self....just because that's all i can do. this routine is dull.

i'm always fighting for something. fighting to keep my head above water.

i used to never cry, and now i can stop and think of one small thing and my eyes fill with tears. this is not who i want to be. this is not who i want to be. this is not what i wanted to become.