this is why i turn and walk away from everything.

and here i am. standing on my own. refocusing my own life causes trauma to others. i break down mankind. this is an art i have mastered. i don't like hurting people. i honestly don't but there comes a time when you must do the smart thing as opposed to the things i WANT to do. or to have. a relationship. i can't have one. not for a long time. not until i get everything accomplished and checked off my very long list of things i need to get done. i get so sidetracked by guys. and i get lonely. i like to procrastinate and put off the things i should have taken care of two years ago. i don't know how to balance a relationship and responsibilities. i need to get a second job....and i have BIG things i'm trying to consider.


BIG THING number 1: moving to keene, NH to live with kelsey while she attends keene state. i'd only live there for a year...maybe longer...but i would need to save up now for a couple months worth of rent because it's 600 a month for just one person. i'd really have to think about it...

BIG THING number 2: the americorps. kelsey did this volunteer program last year and she just traveled and built and helped and made a difference. i want to do it. i think it would be good for me. it's a ten month program but i'd see california. sigh. california. you get paid too. not alot, but a bit.



i have such terrible self control. this is going to be a very big test for me. VERY big. heather being on her own. truly on her own for AT LEAST a year. a whole year with no boyfriend. i think the longest i've gone without a boyfriend in the past 5 years was honestly a 2 month span. that's fucking stupid. it's not neccessarily that i can't be happy without a guy, it's just i love having someone. i love the closeness and i become so set on that...and i put that ahead of EVERYTHING and then two months later reality hits. i realize i don't have the time for everything. and i feel like the biggest bitch in the world for breaking up with i guy i put so much effort in. i never lie. i'm always true. and i say the things when i feel them. but then i have to separate myself.


i need to be alone. as much as i don't WANT to be...and as lonely as i'm gonna get...
i need to be alone.


it sucks that i love cuddling and love knowing people on all levels and that i'm mostly friends with guys. the hardest part will be saying "no" for the good of both of us. no more breaking boys. that's not good for either of us.


kelsey said i can't have another boyfriend until i get a second job and my license.
yeah, i'm a 19 year old without my license, so what? lmao. i take my test in like a week.
no big deal.lol


i guess what it boils down to is i feel awful about what i did. and what i've done. and how i let a guy make me feel. and how i reacted. and what i've done up until now.


lessons learned to the extreme. now, let's see if i fuck up again.








btw, the band deas vail is fucking incredible.

goodnight.