save me from myself

i hate today. i loathe today. i wish wish wish wish i would have done things differently.
i was stupid. ignorant. foolish. a waste. a calamity...


i still am a calamity...on the inside. so many things of various sizes ganging up on me at once...i'm not strong enough for this. i am always tested. every year it's something. something that brings me to the brink of collapse...and all these outside sources...friends, past lives, even the fucking rain can bring me to the edge. i am so close to the fall. these nights are the sort of nights where i wish i had a crutch. alcohol. something. something to make me numb and stupid to the real world...just for alittle while so i can breathe without my chest hurting from panick stricken anxiety that is slowly breaking me down. we understand what it means to break down. i so fully and completely know what it means to break down. it happens all the time. the pressure. the build up. the fall. the collapse. the rebuilding. always fixing my broken self....just because that's all i can do. this routine is dull.

i'm always fighting for something. fighting to keep my head above water.

i used to never cry, and now i can stop and think of one small thing and my eyes fill with tears. this is not who i want to be. this is not who i want to be. this is not what i wanted to become.