"there once was a girl with a vibrant glow..."

what an awful nearly morning i have had. realization comes mostly at night for me and it pretty much ruins my chances at a good night's rest. this past fall i had some health problems and doctor's assumed i had endometriosis: the presence of uterine lining in other pelvic organs, esp. the ovaries, characterized by cyst formation, adhesions, and menstrual pains.
to calm this qualm the put me on birthcontrol. they told me it should ease the pain if it was simply ovarian cysts. they also wanted me to get checked up again in april to see if i needed surgery to really know if it was endometriosis or if it was just really awful and painful cysts.

it is now april. the pain has gotten about 5% better. my appointment is on monday.


i posted in a few entries back in those months how important children have always been to me and how i was never sure about marriage but kids were a must. this is still true and when that possibility is almost taken away from you at the age of 19?? it feels helpless and enraging. this is all a game of genetics and i have no control in the matter. i'm scared. i don't think i've ever been this panicky and scared about any situation in my life. and that's saying something.

this is a multi-faceted fear. not only am i scared for my body and my hopeful future children and a healthy birth IF and WHEN i do have kids, it's also so frightening to tell any guy i start dating. i know i won't be 20 until october but i as i get older i feel that my relationships will get steadily more meaningful. i would hate to find that one person that i could spend quote unquote, the rest of mt life with, and have them change their perspective on our relationship because he wants to have children as much as i do. I know there are other options but natural birth and that 9 month connection of growing a tiny person that is half of me....that's irreplacable.


this is why i started shaking and crying uncontrolably last night. the fear hit me. thankfully, my wonderful boyfriend calmed me and got my mind of things and just listened. that was the most important. that i could hesitantly but honestly open up and share this fear. it was even more scary to tell it to him!! but i did it.

speak your mind even when your voice shakes.
this is what i am learning to ring true.


in other news, big changes and big things will be happening this summer. i think it will be good. i've always lived alittle...out of order of how the typical teenager should do things...and i don't think i'll go to a 4 year school. i know i'm smart. i know that. and i know i love learning. and i have learned so much on my own in the past two years. i'm sure i'll take some courses and eventually get a degree in business and photography but i want to do this my way and figure out my plan for myself.



well. i think this was a good post. it feels good to get this all out. i haven't been inspired lately. how awful is that?? my brain pours out words into my finger tips mostly when i am bothered, upset, or angry. maybe it's because i get caught up on being too cliche when i'm happy. my writing become very sing-songy and i don't dig it.

anywho. maine is warming up. :] and i'm obsessed with cherry dr. pepper.