"there once was a girl with a vibrant glow..."

what an awful nearly morning i have had. realization comes mostly at night for me and it pretty much ruins my chances at a good night's rest. this past fall i had some health problems and doctor's assumed i had endometriosis: the presence of uterine lining in other pelvic organs, esp. the ovaries, characterized by cyst formation, adhesions, and menstrual pains.
to calm this qualm the put me on birthcontrol. they told me it should ease the pain if it was simply ovarian cysts. they also wanted me to get checked up again in april to see if i needed surgery to really know if it was endometriosis or if it was just really awful and painful cysts.

it is now april. the pain has gotten about 5% better. my appointment is on monday.


i posted in a few entries back in those months how important children have always been to me and how i was never sure about marriage but kids were a must. this is still true and when that possibility is almost taken away from you at the age of 19?? it feels helpless and enraging. this is all a game of genetics and i have no control in the matter. i'm scared. i don't think i've ever been this panicky and scared about any situation in my life. and that's saying something.

this is a multi-faceted fear. not only am i scared for my body and my hopeful future children and a healthy birth IF and WHEN i do have kids, it's also so frightening to tell any guy i start dating. i know i won't be 20 until october but i as i get older i feel that my relationships will get steadily more meaningful. i would hate to find that one person that i could spend quote unquote, the rest of mt life with, and have them change their perspective on our relationship because he wants to have children as much as i do. I know there are other options but natural birth and that 9 month connection of growing a tiny person that is half of me....that's irreplacable.


this is why i started shaking and crying uncontrolably last night. the fear hit me. thankfully, my wonderful boyfriend calmed me and got my mind of things and just listened. that was the most important. that i could hesitantly but honestly open up and share this fear. it was even more scary to tell it to him!! but i did it.

speak your mind even when your voice shakes.
this is what i am learning to ring true.


in other news, big changes and big things will be happening this summer. i think it will be good. i've always lived alittle...out of order of how the typical teenager should do things...and i don't think i'll go to a 4 year school. i know i'm smart. i know that. and i know i love learning. and i have learned so much on my own in the past two years. i'm sure i'll take some courses and eventually get a degree in business and photography but i want to do this my way and figure out my plan for myself.



well. i think this was a good post. it feels good to get this all out. i haven't been inspired lately. how awful is that?? my brain pours out words into my finger tips mostly when i am bothered, upset, or angry. maybe it's because i get caught up on being too cliche when i'm happy. my writing become very sing-songy and i don't dig it.

anywho. maine is warming up. :] and i'm obsessed with cherry dr. pepper.

and i feel the uneasy creeping in...

when i realize i sit so imperfect in her memory...

upside down we dream

i float up to the ceiling and appear on the roof. the roof as become transparent. i am looking down upon myself as i read. the words are scattered amongst 5 sheets of college ruled notebook paper. i see all this regret and sorrow and confusion permanently removed from my person and trapped within fragment sentences and half-thought concepts. i try to be clever and eloquent as i slowly fall apart. i am reading this now...and it seems a waste. a waste of emotion and time. a waste of my efforts to be strong when all i did was collapse underneath a bridge i had built. there is no hidden meaning in these words. just the raw turmoil i created for myself. i watch as my own head lifts and stares out the window. this letter was written a year ago. i reevaluate where i am now. i feel miles and years further than where i have been. i was broken and rebuilt myself up stronger and made my skin about an inch thicker. i thought i wouldn't trust again. i was a cynic and a skeptic and i didn't want anything close to a relationship. my life was a mess. i had nothing in order and was spiraling downward at a speed that i couldn't control. and then i stopped. i looked around at what i had and what truly mattered. and my like calmed. the speed slowed. i figured things out. i met him. i moved back in with my father, a man who always keeps me on a good path. straight and narrow. and gives the best life advice a daughter could ask for. things are starting to smooth themselves....

i am no longer living life all tangled up like balls of string.

and then it hits me...

i'm so much further than i thought...and smile takes over my face. 7 months ago, i was devastated and bitter and hurt and guilty. what am i now?? still not where i want to be...years from it...but that's fine. i'm happy. stressed. pressured. but happy. think about what's truly important. what it all boils down to. and for once in my existence...i see the things that i have, what i want, and what i've let go of. i haven't been this happy in about a year. i literally feel like a weight was lifted off my chest.


i think you have something to do with it...and i hope that doesn't scare you. i care about you. and i feel that you care about me. and we're taking it at the perfect pace. and that makes me grateful and happy...and i feel like this is healthy. :] and i thank you for that. truly, i do.



anyways!!!! hehe i'm just so happy right now. i love it.
UPDATE TIME!!
key west was phenomenal, like always. i truly feel like that's a second home. i took lots of pictures, soaked up the sun, got a matching tattoo with MY FATHER!!, roadtripped like crazy and came home to a giraffey.


yesterday was amazing. jeff and i went around portland and took a million pictures and kept interchanging lenses. it was so fun!! it's so great to be able to do that.

tomorrow will be a crazy day. i'm painting my new room!!! and really going through all my clothes and getting rid of things and searching through everything i own to see what i want and will use and what i need to organize. such a process.

then a show and more jeff real quick on thursday and friday. then saturday seeing anthony and JR for JR's going away pahhhtayyy. then easter sunday brunch and making a homemade chocolate cream pie and dealing with a good dose of questioning and ridicule from my dad's side of my family about richmond and piercings/tattoos. i haven't seen them since christmas sooo...ugh. that will be fun. nnaaahhtt.


anyways, i feel that was a sufficient update. now prolly some sleep action. or more food network. either way. kbbbbyyeeee.