my bright is too slight

to hold back all my dark...
and i'm a war of head vs. heart.


i am overcome by the urge to cry. but the tears are stuck. my chest is tightening with every breathe and even the deepest inhales and longest exhales are not helping. a part of my past broke into my present last night. it brought back things i thought i had forgotten. things i thought i was MORE than okay with. i almost didn't remember how broken you made me feel....thank you for reminding me. yes, we're both liars. yes, we both did stupid things. but did you really have to say you missed me?? and make it seem like you regret the choices you made?? the choices that sent me back home? that was the last thing i needed. here i was, trying to build on something new that i have recently found...and you completely steal my attention...and my sanity. i know that i will never be with you again. i know this. and i know how important the lesson were that you taught me...

that doesn't make it easier.


i'm trying to swallow every memory but i feel like im choking. i never thought i'd let another person have this sort of power over me again. how foolish am i?

the unwinding cable car.

im sick again. big surprise. this weekend was..interesting to say the least. i get my blackberry fixed this evening. i missed my riotberry<3 i hope i can get to the station this weekend. i HAVE TO SEE BMTH and pierce the veil. no tattoo. i was stranded in portland. and sickly. ive been in bed all day. i think i wanna just watch movies with my sister all night. yeah. more later.

third post of the day/////

so much on my mind. it changes every few hours. i just don't even know what i want. or maybe i just am too selfish and want the best of both of everything. i want a relationship but not really. i want to find someone i can be truly happy with and for once not get annoyed with or have to lie with. i want the openess and to be okay with everything and not feel insecure and be okay with myself and not feel the need to change myself every month and not write so many wicked long run on sentences. breathe. step back. and just be. i need the art institute of boston. i am willing to do just about anything for that to happen.


i find myself finding to many crushes. i get to know a cute boy and i get a crush. awesome. i'm locked in with 23 year old lately. either band dudes or photographers. seriously. like the entire list of these past few months of guys i talk to. band guys or photographers. simple based on those being the two things that make my heart whole.

i just don't know. and i have to be a parent to my little cousin on thursday. he's 14 and he's sick of putting any sort of effort into school and blaming everyone else for it. and he's talking about suicide so therefore i need to step in and wake him the fuck up...considering i was there for real when i was 14. i can see in his face he's just trying to figure things out but i know that he's also just being a little punk. so i need to scare him. he doesn't know why i was "sick" in 2004. and he will find out. and what it means to really be depressed. i will not have my little cousin turn into a typical little bastard from lisbon. he will not do drugs and fall into the bullshit that is a small town. i have to stop that. i just hope he's willing.


i just have alot of things running through my mind. i need some clarity.

ryan russell is my favorite.

i said i'd never let you fall...

...and i never did.


so. heather got her septum pierced. and i felt the need to say that in third-person. no big deal. what a crazy list of events have gone done in the past like....5 days. yeah. went to portland on friday. went to two shows. wrote a song and started a band. took pictures as a band. met some really cool kids. enjoyed delicious shocktop and made plans to move to portland, perhaps. my tax returns have given me new clothes, new shoes, and new body modifications and for that i am so greatful.

big things are coming. i can feel it. and im still addicted to new ADTR. i'm kinda sad i'll be missing that show but i'll be wonderfully tan and happy from the warmth that key west will bring me. and sunday is my first back tattoo appointment which is good because it will be nice and healed by the time i leave for key west. there are alot of things i could say...but i just can seem to make the letters fall into the right words. i wanna post some pictures that are my favorites lately....yeah.

beautiful things are coming..

-march 26-april 5th. key west with my father.
-bamboozle with my bestest.
-lots of shows.
-press pass for warped in VA beach.
-started a band with my friend tom.
-working on songs all fucking weekend.



I AM MORE THAN EXCITED ABOUT MY LIFE RIGHT NOW. THESE ARE ALL THE THINGS I NEEDED.

god, i'll be playing shows in about a month. that is fucking amazing. and i get bored and take too many pictures of myself but i feel pretty tonight. hahahaha.


:] oh sing it to me anthony green.

blessed are the forgetful

for they get the best even of their blunders.




i watched the eternal sunshine of a spotless mind...which has been a favorite since it came out. and it usually leaves me with a decent feeling...or just that good after-movie glow. not this time. it hit me like a ton of bricks: despite all of my cynical tendencies and all of the other posts and all the other thoughts that are constantly racing through my brain...i want to fall in love again. or at least feel love with another person. the getting to know eachother part is so much work. relationships in general are soooo much work. but i miss love. i've had it for the majority of my teenage years between jarrod and brandon. now i am single. and don't get me wrong, i love love love being single. i can do whatever i want and see who ever i want and answer to no one...

i miss taking care of someone else and feeling needed and having that person WANT to take care of me and actually DO it. love is a good feeling when it's equal. i think there are brief moments when the love that was felt in the three year relationship and the one and a half year relationship were completely equal. the rest of those days were filled with the classic case of one person loving the other more.

so in conclusion, as much as i want the loving feeling right now, i know i'm better off without it for a while longer. i just hate the loneliness and then i think back to the pain that i felt...and i'm just better off....for now.


god. i hate being alone.

until morning...

i was up all night. i was awake until 6 am. i had a cup of tea with my mother, then i went to bed. my anxiety is getting worse as of late...for lack of a job...or really anything to do in general. and the fact that i should be hearing back from AIB soon. i don't really know i put all of my hopes into things. with all of the disappointment i've had, i should have learned not to do that. haha.


you know, i'm sick of people too. haha. i mean the true ones, my true friends are great. but alot of the new ones just bug me. i have soo many freaking people trying to get my attention when i just really miss my best friend. i'm going to cape cod this weekend. and i'm excited. i might get to see kelsey and i'll be staying with lucas. i love boston so much. just massachusetts in general.


i've got the spill canvas filling my head. i feel like singing.
there are a million things i want to say right now but i just don't feel like it.
more later.

some old things september 16, 2008

sitting in your room, you know there's proof
trapped within your head..he's calling out.
you connect to every word that spoken,
played, screamed through the stereo.
frequencies of late nights and frequent nightmares
he keeps you awake but you don't mind
the tone of the cold autumn air
this is just the beginning
the fire in her pulse when he cries
it cannot be matched or put out
his passion when he sighs, exhaustion is evident
it cannot be ignored
and we are just beginning
we're getting somewhere
remember me in your sleep.
---------------------------------------------------

I hate the way you look at me,
like i'm the only thing keeping you alive.
those green eyes punctured my skin and
now i'm left to bleed out.
i'm getting colder than i intended
those lights are too loud, can you please turn them down?

we aren't ready to commit
relationships turn friends to shit.
i don't want this. i've played your heart.
trust me, i promise to rip you apart.

i've been told before there will always be jealousy.
i believe those same words left your tongue.
where does that leave me?
alone forever and no blood left for bleeding.
i'm not worth your time.
i've found 3 years is a love past it's prime

i'm not ready to commit.
you've turned my trust to shit.
i don't want this (keep denying)
i played your heart (i'm always lying)
i promise. i declare from the the start,
i'll rip, i'll tear you to pieces.
---------------------------------------------------

your eyes on the road and your heart in the passenger seat
will you be missing me?
the miles will fly and the pain will decrease...but
will you be missing me?
was i just a test of your very best skill?
was i a toy to pass the time?
was i your medicine, your pill to get over
someone you'll never get back?
you loved me once, not so very long ago, tell me,
what changed, my dear?
it hurts to put in your soul
and receive absolutely nothing.
you gave me nothing in return.
thank you, for this lesson well learned.
you taught me to deceive.

i won't say you're useless

because i've seen you dream......i'm really into versaemerge now. wow.

my future tattoos include: *my back tattoo with the tree and polaroid with the floating bird cage with the open door (the polaroid with have an antiqued feel) and the roots that will twist into my cursive hand writting saying the words "both we and our words are overproduced"... those are circa survive lyrics incase you did not know. anthony green is a huge part of my life. * my frida kahlo portrait on my right thigh. it's going to be this painting------->the background will be almost exactly the same but the blue will be a bit more swirly and maybe have a fillagree pattern to it and the earth will start to crumble away as it goes down my thigh. i'll have the word "prevail" some where in there.*my left thigh is going to be an octopus and swirly and tangled tentacles. *then on my foot my sister and i are getting matching skeleton keys with H and A. since my name is heather and hers is amanda.

those four will be completely hopefully in the next 6 months. this all depends on if i get a job relatively soon. if i dont get a job soon....then i won't get work done. simple as that. i wish people wouldn't jump to fucking conclusions and critize my choices. thanks for the advice but i'm all set.



now for the meaning behind them all.
THE TREE
i have always loved trees. the symbolizes growth and life and really the essence of living. i feel like that has become such an important thing for me. really appreciating life and trying very hard not to get caught up in other people bullshit and letting it weigh me down. the polaroid with the bird cage is a play off of the same idea. for so long i really did care about the bullshit that surrounded me. i cared so much that i started to feel terrible about myself for no reason other than lies that i started to believe. the open door shows i've been set free from that. and the roots turning into one of my favorite anthony green lines: "both we and our words are overproduced" that i have found to be so true for so many people in this world. people lie to other people. we lie to ourselves. we deny and deny and deny and treat others like shit. now, not all people are like this...but it's hard to find the worthwhiles these days. find them and never let them go.

FRIDA KAHLO
she has always been one of my favorite artists. she was in a tragic bus accident and a pole went through her pelvis and she broke a ton of bones and was never able to have children. i have found out recently that may be the same case with myself.....and i've always wanted to be a mother. despite everything she became successful and overcame the odds and pushed on with her life. so her portrait is in some ways a portrait of myself and the word "prevail" goes perfectly. i've been through some shit...starting back when i was about 11 years old...and i always just find a way to get through. as we all do. make life worth living.

OCTOPUS
the ocean is a very spiritual place for me. i feel like if i was more religious than i would some how adopt the ocean as my religion. my entire mood and body feels different when i go to the ocean. i block out almost everything surrounding me besides the power of the ocean. i grew up there. i would comb the beach for shells and crabs for hours. i learned to swim there. also...the vastness....the vastness that is proven and tangible. that's very important to me. it's a very personal thing. i prefer to go to the beach alone more often than not for that reason.

SKELETON KEY
i'm not sure why i've always found skeleton keys to be so beautiful. i'm very into symmetry. i think it's an artist thing. but my sister and i were never close growing up. we actually despised one another. there are 6 years between us. as of this past year we are extremely close. and this tattoo represents that. the H and the A will be connected to symbolize that.


so basically, everything has a meaning. everything has a purpose. and as for you critics. fuck you. :]

SIDEBAR: people are really starting to piss me off. they keep telling me what to do and how i should plan my fucking tattoos. it's my fucking tax return money and i'm not gonna blow it all on body work. seriously. i'm not fucking retarded. it's a process. my outline for my back will be 200 and my entire right thigh will be about 320.

look at us shake the sky

pulling the whites from my eyes
and as the hands are spinning
they're waving you goodbye.
a test for more is what we're striving for.
as we sleep we walk.

"clocks" versaemerge




i'm getting my wrist tattoos touched up this evening as well as discussing drawings for my back tattoo. i'm really excited for this idea and i'm sure my tattoo artist will pull through and make it beautiful. i want the tree to be very gothic looking...very dark in blacks and greys and twisted but slightly romantically pretty....and i hope the antiqueing of the polaroid will come out perfectly....
i'm going to be very proud and very attached to this tattoo. i never understood why a person gets a tattoo without meaning. like...i feel like something that will be on you forever should be extremely meaningful.


there are a million things i feel like writing about...
it will have to wait until tonight. i have to get ready.

In regards to myself..

a presumed good friend of mine decided to post a bulletin in response my desire to get my back tattoo. a myspace bulletin. because apparently i would deny things in a phone call:

as much as i love tattoos and piercings, now is not the time to be wasting your money on that shit. you ditched college, you dont have a job, and you waste your money on chasing bands. you think youre finding yourself, but being your friend, it kills me to see you wasting your fucking life. you have talent, you just dont know where to place it professionally. were in the next great depression. instead of wasting your time trying to be in a scene, make yourself respected being known as the girl with no experience who fucking made money doing what she knows best. managing bands. im sick of giving you subtle hints and seeing you waste your time. dont be retarded.



-you know who you are.


-love josh


now, i would have appreciated a phone call. i would have loved to discuss it in a phone call. you didn't even know anything that happened with me in virginia...or the plan with the rest of tax returns or how i just want to get my outline done first then slowly work on the tattoo and go about it in a smart way. and you just didn't even care to ask. that fucking pisses me off. and thank you for getting high and mighty about relationships. good thing i don't want or need one right now. and i stopped running away. that's why im BACK in the state that i loathe. i'm taking the neccesary steps to get my life on track. and as for me trying to be someone that i'm not?? i love art. and tattoos fascinate me. they always have. i'm just trying to express myself further.


that whole conversation made me lose a little respect for you. i just needed to fucking vent.

body alterations

this past weekend was crazy. number 12. saw sex and fellatio happening at a party. sketched me the fuck out. haha. ummm went to a bar...got two numbers and a date on tuesday. haha. OH! and i even danced on top of the bar. how fun. also, today i did my taxes and i'm getting a good amount of money back...which is SOOOO needed right now. i should be getting it within the next two weeks and hopefully i'll also have a job. I'm also going to key west again with my father in april. and my sister and i are planning to visit london next summer. we are both starting a london fund. haha.

big things are coming. such as body alterations. i have three tattoos that are going to be in the works...at first i wanted my leg piece but i think i'm going to do my back first. basically it's going to be a tree starting at my lower right hip and going across to my left shoulder. on my left shoulder there is going to be a polaroid with a teal inside and a floating bird cage with the door open. mixed in with the roots it's going to say "both we and our words are overproduced."
it's going to be pretty expensive but i know that Vinny will do an amazing job. he has beautiful work. and wednesday he gonna start drawing it up. wednesday i'm also getting my two wrist tats touched up FINALLY.


things in my life are getting back on track. and btw, i'm listening to the first NFG album i ever owned...it's amazing. i forgot how much i loved them. haha.