third post of the day/////

so much on my mind. it changes every few hours. i just don't even know what i want. or maybe i just am too selfish and want the best of both of everything. i want a relationship but not really. i want to find someone i can be truly happy with and for once not get annoyed with or have to lie with. i want the openess and to be okay with everything and not feel insecure and be okay with myself and not feel the need to change myself every month and not write so many wicked long run on sentences. breathe. step back. and just be. i need the art institute of boston. i am willing to do just about anything for that to happen.


i find myself finding to many crushes. i get to know a cute boy and i get a crush. awesome. i'm locked in with 23 year old lately. either band dudes or photographers. seriously. like the entire list of these past few months of guys i talk to. band guys or photographers. simple based on those being the two things that make my heart whole.

i just don't know. and i have to be a parent to my little cousin on thursday. he's 14 and he's sick of putting any sort of effort into school and blaming everyone else for it. and he's talking about suicide so therefore i need to step in and wake him the fuck up...considering i was there for real when i was 14. i can see in his face he's just trying to figure things out but i know that he's also just being a little punk. so i need to scare him. he doesn't know why i was "sick" in 2004. and he will find out. and what it means to really be depressed. i will not have my little cousin turn into a typical little bastard from lisbon. he will not do drugs and fall into the bullshit that is a small town. i have to stop that. i just hope he's willing.


i just have alot of things running through my mind. i need some clarity.