meet me there in the blue...

...where words are not

today was my 20th birthday. it was awful. let my summarize: my dad forgot, drunk assholes, work, work work, no friends. = my day in a nutshell.
i'm calling mulligan.
next weekend when all of my friends are home and i do not work, i shall get my real birthday.

things have been...unsteady but steady. work has been work. money is money. family life has been a little extra crazy. my social life is slowly disappearing. boys are....boys. they are there and they aren't there all at once.

i'm trying to keep my priorities straight while watching out for myself. too bad i am like a small psycho dog that will lose focus if anything makes a noise or anything shiny flashes in my view. stupid adhd. stupid short attention span. i blame you, yearning internal romanticist. i try to cover you up and lie to you and tell you to be cynical...and you just get me in too deep and all flustered. i'm great at setting myself up for failure.

what's my rush? i'm 20. thaaaaat's weird to say. fuck. i'm 20. guys should be my last thought. they aren't. everyday i think about having a boyfriend again. how much i miss having one. how nice it is to have one. how much effort and work it takes but it's all okay cuz that's part of being in love. love. l-o-v-e. a mutual feeling of caring and compassion, likes/dislikes, cuddles, kisses, goofy voices, inside jokes, a best friend, a shoulder to cry on, the one person that can make you feel better after awful days. the one person you can turn to when the rest of the world has you on their shit list. yup. "i love being in love."-the format.

i'm still scared. i'm trying not to force it or look too hard. i thought i had a good start. that didn't work out as planned. the timing is all wrong. life-placement is all wrong. i loved putting that "getting-to-know-you" effort in...now it seems like too much fucking work to do that all over again. it's pretty disheartening. yes, i'd rather have no one than take things very very very slow with a higher chance of more heartbreak and disappointment. it's a safer bet. i like risk, but that's too much danger for my heart. the longer it goes...the stronger i feel...the deeper i get...the more it makes me sad we can't be together..the more annoying talks about it.....and then it just all gets ruined. but how can you push pause now? it feels natural to say cute things and be affectionate. natural. that was the whole point with you. you just came naturally. it wasn't that much work....it just flowed. that's why i thought i was on to a good thing. i hate timing. i hate bad luck. i just want...well, i only wanted you. now i don't know what i want. that's a broad question. i suppose i'll just keep being alone. it's safer that way. lonelier for sure...but safer.


sigh. this is the worst feeling. to want something so bad...and try so so so hard...and have it be for nothing. to have a veil of what something could and should be...but it isn't. or rather, it is, but unofficially. it's just too much sometimes.


i just miss you.
and i don't want to.
it makes it too hard.








i should go to sleep now. or at least try. i don't want to think about all this anymore. g'night.

hello middle of september.

work has been crazy. i forgot what waitressing does to your body. once i get shoes that don't give me blisters and actually have support i'll be good to go. the money is gonna be amazing as well. hopefully my aunt being the old breakfast cook will come with the connections to get some culinary training. that'd be awesome. hopefully this spring i can take some actual culinary classes.

i was cleaning today and thinking about all the things i wanna get accomplished in my life by the time i turn 21. the list contains some pretty big things. here's a few of the goals:
get my own apartment by spring/early summer, go back to school or at least take classes, buy a new macbook, buy a canon 5D MARK II, fall in love and take at least one vacation.

most of those include so much money. i'll probably have to get another job in spring once banquet season quiets down. falling in love is something i'd like to do, i guess it's not really a goal. but still, it'd be nice. and the vacation is a big one. i'll always take little mini-weekend trips but i gotta go either to tennessee to see my family or just some place warm. maybe va beach again. just, something.

i really miss kelsey. i hate that she's two hours away. once things quiet down at work and i got some money saved i'm gonna go see her all the time cuz i hate this. plus, anthony goes to the desert soon. so that will leave me with only katie. i need more friends haha. cutting most people out was awesome for my tolerance and sanity but now my options are like, super slim. making friends at work isn't exactly an option since like 2 girls are my age and they're nice...but not friend worthy.

sooo i guess that's my mini update for now. i'm gonna try and write some lyrics tonight. maybe paint a new picture for my room or actually make more progress on my mural. something artsy. i need more artsy days.

misguided ghosts

one, two, three, four

I'm going away for a while
but I'll be back, don't try to follow me
'cause I'll return as soon as possible
see I'm trying to find my place
but it might not be here where I feel safe
we all learn to make mistakes

and run from them, from them
with no direction
we'll run from them, from them
with no conviction

I'm just one of those ghosts
traveling endlessly
don't need no roads
in fact they follow me
and we just go in circles
now I'm told that this is life
and pain is just a simple compromise
so we can get what we want out of it

would someone care to classify
a broken heart and twisted minds
so I can find someone to rely on

an run to them, to them
full speed ahead
oh you are not useless
we are just
misguided ghosts
traveling endlessly
the ones we trusted the most
pushed us far away
and there's no one role
we should not be the same
but I'm just a ghost
and still they echo me
they echo me in circles

what a mess i've

made of myself.

brick by boring brick

She lives in a fairy tale
Somewhere too far for us to find
Forgotten the taste and smell
Of the world that she's left behind
It's all about the exposure the lens I told her
The angles were all wrong now
She's ripping wings off of butterflies
With her feet on the ground

And her head in the clouds
Well go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Ba da ba da ba

So one day he found her crying
Coiled up on the dirty ground
Her prince finally came to save her
And the rest you can figure out
But it was a trick
And the clock struck 12
Well make sure to build your house brick by boring brick
or the wolves gonna blow it down
With her feet on the ground

And her head in the clouds
Well go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle

Well you built up a world of magic
Because your real life is tragic
Yeah you built up a world of magic
If it's not real
You can't see it with your eyes
You can't feel it with your heart
And I won't believe it
Cause if it's true
You can see it with your eyes
Even in the dark
And that's where I want to be, yeah
Go get your shovel
We'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Ba da ba da ba...

i've been addicted to bayside lately...

there's a sense of familiarity here. a comfort. a past. she looks for a future and finds panic, anxiety, fear. so young. too young. she wants it all. some are on a constant quest...she's had a taste before. left broken and bitter. now with her heart built back up with walls twice as thick, she is willing to have it all. the fear. the fear is crippling on those early mornings without sleep. over thinking and out of rational thought. leading to panic. leading to the tears. leading to the ruin. he tells her to stay in the present. to soak up every moment and just enjoy. whatifwhatifwhatif? "sometimes there just aren't answers." so if she falls and he moves, where does that leave her? heartbroken. she's been there before. a whole year. an entire year to make her whole. she wants to be hopeful. she wants to trust. the fear. the fear comes too quickly and leaves her as a child asking too many questions. "when will i know? when will i have it right?" sometimes there just aren't answers. acceptacceptaccept. just go with it. it's only a lesson to be learned.

such good things.

got my license. had two job interviews. got a deep tissue massage. all in one day. today has been amazing.