meet me there in the blue...

...where words are not

today was my 20th birthday. it was awful. let my summarize: my dad forgot, drunk assholes, work, work work, no friends. = my day in a nutshell.
i'm calling mulligan.
next weekend when all of my friends are home and i do not work, i shall get my real birthday.

things have been...unsteady but steady. work has been work. money is money. family life has been a little extra crazy. my social life is slowly disappearing. boys are....boys. they are there and they aren't there all at once.

i'm trying to keep my priorities straight while watching out for myself. too bad i am like a small psycho dog that will lose focus if anything makes a noise or anything shiny flashes in my view. stupid adhd. stupid short attention span. i blame you, yearning internal romanticist. i try to cover you up and lie to you and tell you to be cynical...and you just get me in too deep and all flustered. i'm great at setting myself up for failure.

what's my rush? i'm 20. thaaaaat's weird to say. fuck. i'm 20. guys should be my last thought. they aren't. everyday i think about having a boyfriend again. how much i miss having one. how nice it is to have one. how much effort and work it takes but it's all okay cuz that's part of being in love. love. l-o-v-e. a mutual feeling of caring and compassion, likes/dislikes, cuddles, kisses, goofy voices, inside jokes, a best friend, a shoulder to cry on, the one person that can make you feel better after awful days. the one person you can turn to when the rest of the world has you on their shit list. yup. "i love being in love."-the format.

i'm still scared. i'm trying not to force it or look too hard. i thought i had a good start. that didn't work out as planned. the timing is all wrong. life-placement is all wrong. i loved putting that "getting-to-know-you" effort in...now it seems like too much fucking work to do that all over again. it's pretty disheartening. yes, i'd rather have no one than take things very very very slow with a higher chance of more heartbreak and disappointment. it's a safer bet. i like risk, but that's too much danger for my heart. the longer it goes...the stronger i feel...the deeper i get...the more it makes me sad we can't be together..the more annoying talks about it.....and then it just all gets ruined. but how can you push pause now? it feels natural to say cute things and be affectionate. natural. that was the whole point with you. you just came naturally. it wasn't that much work....it just flowed. that's why i thought i was on to a good thing. i hate timing. i hate bad luck. i just want...well, i only wanted you. now i don't know what i want. that's a broad question. i suppose i'll just keep being alone. it's safer that way. lonelier for sure...but safer.


sigh. this is the worst feeling. to want something so bad...and try so so so hard...and have it be for nothing. to have a veil of what something could and should be...but it isn't. or rather, it is, but unofficially. it's just too much sometimes.


i just miss you.
and i don't want to.
it makes it too hard.








i should go to sleep now. or at least try. i don't want to think about all this anymore. g'night.