what a mess i've

made of myself.

brick by boring brick

She lives in a fairy tale
Somewhere too far for us to find
Forgotten the taste and smell
Of the world that she's left behind
It's all about the exposure the lens I told her
The angles were all wrong now
She's ripping wings off of butterflies
With her feet on the ground

And her head in the clouds
Well go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Ba da ba da ba

So one day he found her crying
Coiled up on the dirty ground
Her prince finally came to save her
And the rest you can figure out
But it was a trick
And the clock struck 12
Well make sure to build your house brick by boring brick
or the wolves gonna blow it down
With her feet on the ground

And her head in the clouds
Well go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle

Well you built up a world of magic
Because your real life is tragic
Yeah you built up a world of magic
If it's not real
You can't see it with your eyes
You can't feel it with your heart
And I won't believe it
Cause if it's true
You can see it with your eyes
Even in the dark
And that's where I want to be, yeah
Go get your shovel
We'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Ba da ba da ba...

i've been addicted to bayside lately...

there's a sense of familiarity here. a comfort. a past. she looks for a future and finds panic, anxiety, fear. so young. too young. she wants it all. some are on a constant quest...she's had a taste before. left broken and bitter. now with her heart built back up with walls twice as thick, she is willing to have it all. the fear. the fear is crippling on those early mornings without sleep. over thinking and out of rational thought. leading to panic. leading to the tears. leading to the ruin. he tells her to stay in the present. to soak up every moment and just enjoy. whatifwhatifwhatif? "sometimes there just aren't answers." so if she falls and he moves, where does that leave her? heartbroken. she's been there before. a whole year. an entire year to make her whole. she wants to be hopeful. she wants to trust. the fear. the fear comes too quickly and leaves her as a child asking too many questions. "when will i know? when will i have it right?" sometimes there just aren't answers. acceptacceptaccept. just go with it. it's only a lesson to be learned.

such good things.

got my license. had two job interviews. got a deep tissue massage. all in one day. today has been amazing.

bouquet of clumsy words.

there are a million and one things i could write about currently. i'm sure i won't remember all of them but i hope i can at least get some of these things out of my brain. maybe it will help me figure things out.

my father. he's pretty much gotten to the point of no return with me. i go weeks without speaking to him. i have accepted that i no longer live with him, i live within the apartment he owns. he does not speak to me unless it's something he has a problem with...such as my mother and his ex-wife coming to drop off my breakfast. i suppose once i passed the age of 18 he decided he could control when and where i saw her. apparently she's no allowed on any of his property anymore. i feel like he's go a new life now. a new girlfriend. a new daughter. a second time chance. i know this probably all sounds incredibly pathetic and pitiful. i'm just really trying to grasp this whole concept of him literally not talking to me anymore. i just need to get out of this town.


boys. i don't know what i want. the guy i'm seeing is wonderful. everything is chance....it just depends on your odds. he lives 2 hours away and is incredibly busy. with his age comes all this other responsibility and life experience i haven't gotten yet. plus there's the fact that he may be moving to LA next summer. now, i'm not trying to find "the one" in the least bit...but i also am very very tired with casually dating. i understand i'm on the brink of 20 and long term anything is not something i should be focusing on but you know, after a year of bullshit and meaningless guys, i'd really like to actually fall in love. i feel confident in what i have to offer someone...i am a giver. to the utmost extent. i just wish it was mutual. i wish i could have someone that would want to give as much as i do.


i just really want things to start falling into place. i've consistently been tested and tried and put through the ringer throughout my life and i would just really appreciate that whatever controls all this, would give me a slight pause so i could breathe and enjoy and relax and remember why i keep trying so damn hard. it's all in the waiting. "it's ironic how i fall just to get back up again" -the dear hunter
constantly building myself up. i hope there's something bigger than this..something at the end of this constant battle. something that will make me jump ahead 50 steps instead of all this falling back.


i guess i'm questioning life in all this. not in a depression or suicidal way at all...in a human perspective sort of way. trying to find the bigger purpose underneath the mediocrity that we all get drenched in. i just keep waiting and taking one step at a time. hopefully things will start to move again soon.

b-sides & rarities.

the format's b-sides and rarities make me so happy. i like the demo's so much more.


update!
so this weekend was pretty freaking hectic. not much sleep happened but over-all it was lovely. the show on friday was SOOO lame. the pictures aren't good at all but i hope to get at least 15 good ones for each band. i need to edit those soon. like tonight and tomorrow. actually..i can't do it tonight, i'm staying at katie's. she's dying my hair. NO MORE BLOND! i dunno. i guess i really want to change my look. i mean, my clothing style is always switching. i wear band shirts and skinny jeans but i'm sporty and hippie and indie and like 50 other things. i dunno. i don't really fit anywhere i don't think. and i'm probably taking my septum out. i'll keep the monroe for now but i'd like to get a new gem for it. the blue one has been in there forever. maybe a black one. and as for my ears.....oh my ears and i are fighting. like three days ago i put my 5/8ths in. i skipped 9/16ths which was a poor choice. my right 5/8 went in fine....but the left was giving me trouble...so i kinda just shoved it in. my ears stung pretty bad but i thought it was just cuz of the biggger size. i went to clean my ears today and when i took my left gauge out there was blood everywhere instantly. it hurt soooo bad. so i cleaned it with peroxide and let it get some air for a few hours and my mom said it might heal easier with a way smaller gauge in just so it keeps the same shape. so now i'm gauging down three sizes. 7/16ths. sigh. i hope it heals. as long as i can keep my ears gauged i'll be a happy girl.


now for the boston part of last weekend. sean. sean sean sean. the guy is amazing so far. he bought me the bus ticket and then we just relaxed and did mostly band things all weekend. we went to breakfast and just really enjoyed spending time together. we watched some stand-up comedy (which he is amazed i love?) haha. and cuddles and being cutesy. it was just wonderful. and he even let me borrow his old macbook so we could ichat this week. i'm going back down in two days and i think i'm staying with him till wednesday!!! then i think kelsey and i are road tripping to PA to see her boy. just for a couple days then coming back on friday and then that weekend i shoot the wedding. i'm so nervous about that. soooo sooo nervous. i hope i do a good job. this is my first wedding and i just really want to do this right.

hmm. other than that craziness...there's not much going on. i need another job after this wedding though. like..i need to make as much money as i can as soon as i can.


i hope my big plans work out.