bouquet of clumsy words.

there are a million and one things i could write about currently. i'm sure i won't remember all of them but i hope i can at least get some of these things out of my brain. maybe it will help me figure things out.

my father. he's pretty much gotten to the point of no return with me. i go weeks without speaking to him. i have accepted that i no longer live with him, i live within the apartment he owns. he does not speak to me unless it's something he has a problem with...such as my mother and his ex-wife coming to drop off my breakfast. i suppose once i passed the age of 18 he decided he could control when and where i saw her. apparently she's no allowed on any of his property anymore. i feel like he's go a new life now. a new girlfriend. a new daughter. a second time chance. i know this probably all sounds incredibly pathetic and pitiful. i'm just really trying to grasp this whole concept of him literally not talking to me anymore. i just need to get out of this town.


boys. i don't know what i want. the guy i'm seeing is wonderful. everything is chance....it just depends on your odds. he lives 2 hours away and is incredibly busy. with his age comes all this other responsibility and life experience i haven't gotten yet. plus there's the fact that he may be moving to LA next summer. now, i'm not trying to find "the one" in the least bit...but i also am very very tired with casually dating. i understand i'm on the brink of 20 and long term anything is not something i should be focusing on but you know, after a year of bullshit and meaningless guys, i'd really like to actually fall in love. i feel confident in what i have to offer someone...i am a giver. to the utmost extent. i just wish it was mutual. i wish i could have someone that would want to give as much as i do.


i just really want things to start falling into place. i've consistently been tested and tried and put through the ringer throughout my life and i would just really appreciate that whatever controls all this, would give me a slight pause so i could breathe and enjoy and relax and remember why i keep trying so damn hard. it's all in the waiting. "it's ironic how i fall just to get back up again" -the dear hunter
constantly building myself up. i hope there's something bigger than this..something at the end of this constant battle. something that will make me jump ahead 50 steps instead of all this falling back.


i guess i'm questioning life in all this. not in a depression or suicidal way at all...in a human perspective sort of way. trying to find the bigger purpose underneath the mediocrity that we all get drenched in. i just keep waiting and taking one step at a time. hopefully things will start to move again soon.