word vomit.

i came up with this as i was falling asleep last night. i was listening to TREOS and it just popped in my head...my journal was still packed so i wrote it on my blackberry. here it is:


as the words are born in my throat they leave my mouth all wrong.
they twist and cut my tongue and come out jaggedly and i start to bleed.
my eyes are weary. my body is weak. i lay stagnant overcome by the feeling
that everyone else is just as lonely. love can't last forever. a heart isn't permanent.


i don't know. i just really liked it in my head...
i still like it. i write so inconsistently. haha

leaving to learn.

where to begin. he was not who i thought he was. he basically claimed to be one thing and turned out to be another. i made some choices...that were pretty fun at the time...to get revenge. i used it as a crutch to get over the sadness and over-all disappointment that i felt. my mistake. i don't think i have ever met such a messed up person in my existence...i used to think that i was so screwed up. thank you for showing me how crazy people can be. i was lied to. messed around on. and thrown to the side as if i didn't matter. i was also used. but you know, i feel alright. i don't even regret it. i learned alot. i finally woke up to the things that matter most.

i didn't get to record any music. i was sick for the majority of my time in richmond. i did meet some great people though. over all, it was like a mini vacation. you live and you learn.


i have infinite possibilities ahead of me right now. i might go to key west with my dad in april. i know that no matter what i'm going to virginia beach for warped tour. and i might be selling merch on warped tour...but that's still up in the air. i'll be seeing paramore for the fifth time with no doubt. and i'll be getting a sick frida kahlo tattoo...i want it on my thigh...i need a nice leg piece. =] and hopefully i'll be working at the bank of america call center. and in the next couple months i'll find out if i'll be going to school in boston in the fall. so basically, i have so many things to look forward to. and all the crap that went down in the fall/early winter...feels like it was a year ago.

2009 is my fresh start. my new year's resolution is to be better in control of money. and to slow down. no more running away. i have to grow up. this is the time. i feel like i'm taking all the right steps in all the right directions. i am so grateful for where i am right now.

today i also rearranged my room completely. i'll be living with my mom for awhile now. i have sooo much more space and it's actually a huge room. i think it's the biggest i've ever had. within the next few days i'll have all my posters and art work up. i still have to get that...and all of my books from my dads.

i think that's good for today....except i do plan on posting some lyrics i wrote last night...yeah.

just a quick update...

i leave richmond today. my loving father drove all through the night and decided he'd rather pick me up than fly me home. 13 hour drive ahead of us. i'll explain everything in a wonderful little blog once i get home...

take me anywhere.

you claim to be the realist dude. ahh, yes. that's why you lie so much..and quite terribly. how stupid did you think i was?? thank you for doubting me. it made the accusing much more fun. i rearranged alot for you...but apparently you don't "want a relationship right now" and i'm too much like a friend. i am the exact same person as i was on the computer screen and over the phone and through text messages. exactly the same. becuase i am a tad more realistic than you. stick to your fake life. and play games. and have as many little girls in your life. and hurt them. and say i love you too quickly and then claim to not want a relationship and then maybe one day you'll realize that you are so much more like the man you hate than you thought.

scraps

so many times have those words escaped from the lips of the boys who think they've found love within me. "perfect". complete and whole. and then i tear them down. i should feel guilty. i more than likely heartless. i've been hurt so why not hurt the innocent. they need to forget the fairy tales. we all run around and try to find something that will fill us up to feel alright. once action and one too many drinks changed everything. how can i trust others when i don't think i can trust myself? we're all just fucked up. naiviety is cute anymore. get over vulnerability. i'll leave my walls intact. and call me a cynic and i'll just claim to be smarter than the rest.


my eyes ache from searching for anyone who'll change me.

i'm still running away from anything that may be good for me. i see patterns in the one's i start to love. i guess my heart will never learn. i'm overly critical of everything i say and anything you do. i still pretend to live in those songs. you can't seem to view as something i'm not.

Jack

he ran off in late august to chase down things that seemed worth it. it felt right at the time. you were so sure and i grew cold. why is it that i always try and see my life inside of some boy's green or blue eyes? we're all so young and we have everything to gain but we find comfort in losing our faith in human nature. he built me up and ran circles around the truth. i did the same. i blame other people for my lack of sincerity. am i crazy? who else but me could be the criminal? who else but me would look to others to fill the void? i was still heartbroken over words spoken only through screens. i'm sure i was blind from the start...only to shield myself from the obvious. the photographs turn my stomach and make my heart ache. and i still look. and i always will. to remind myself of what i lost and the things i gained. i'm still trying to fill that empty space between my heart and my conscience. how will i ever learn the value in honesty?

you're the only place that feels like home.

i'm listening to old paramore acoustic songs at the moment...hallelujah to be specific...before that shit was released on riot. haha. there is a direct purpose for this post. i'm home sick for my friends.

especially my bests. it doesn't help that i get all nostalgic and start looking at old pictures...and then see that some of my friends miss me already as well. it's not that im not happy here...cuz i am. and i feel like i belong here...i just wish my friends were here too.

i guess i never realized how important alotta these people were to me...wait no, that's a lie, i always knew, i just forget sometimes. i really need a job. this will keep my mind of stuff. and i think i wanna start writing letters to all my friends cuz i like those sorts of things. even if most of them dont write back...it feels so much more personal and heart felt compared to texts, myspace, facebook, even this blog, or even phone calls.

so there it is. to all my friends. my real ones. just so you know, i really really miss you. thank you for having such an impact on my life.


i love you all.

i'm so far from where i've come.

first blog from richmond, va. richmond is absolutely nothing like boston...except for the awesome venues. and it's even less like maine...in everyway...which good. it's what i needed. i'm almost done applying to VCU which just so happens to be like two streets away from me. it's not too hard to navigate...and not too confusing. the people are alot different from what i'm used to and i'm missing my friends back home for sure. at least i'm near kerrie.

i'm trying so hard not to look back and get nostalgic to where i was this time last year. i miss those people i used to have. i'm happy for the one's i have now of course, i just wish things would have turned out a little different. i hate losing a best friend.

my going away party was awesome. i got to chill with everyone one last time. i def. miss kelsey tho. richmond will become a part of me. i can feel it.


i guess the only way i can sum up my emotions right now is...
i feel like i'm trapped in a song.
i'm stuck in my own head.
lyrics that repeat themselves
for the sake of a stronger meaning.
connecting me to the rest of the world.
sing it loud and believe it with all your heart.
this is living. this is free.