amazing because it is...

i just made a fantastic sleep playlist. the almost-amazing because it is...is the first song. 9 days until virginia. i cannot wait to leave this heavy snow fall and get into the sunlight. i cannot wait to breathe in life, and new, and refresh. i'll be refreshing my soul this time....all thanks to christopher. i had been so close to giving up on human nature...and then bam! i was struck by something amazing. every time i feel something different...and i feel a sense of sureness that wasn't as strong as before. to give and receive something equally moving.....such a relief. i feel like i'll finally get what i deserve. thank you.

it has snowed so much here. almost 3 feet today and it's supposed to continue into tomorrow. i know i'll happily let myself get snowed in and stay in bed prolly all day. sleep is now. i'm tired for the first time in a while without medication. that's a good feeling. so now i'll lay my head on my favorite purple pillow and dream of the life i'll be living soon.

look how far we've come

so this is where we stand
crossing streets and your heart in my hands
when did we lower standards of living?
when did start to accept less than what we deserve?
you've mastered the art of forgiveness and
she must be wonderful at forgetting.
it used to be easier than this.
i've begun to question the human race.
what are we worth? where is our faith?
it got lost amongst the terror of death
of living..of breathing...breathe in hope.
this is the last great protest and you soon will know
what we've become. we've all fallen.

save your soul...

sometimes i wonder why i stick around for the people that have let me down numerous times. i feel foolish but at the same time i feel totally awful if i don't help them. who am i trying to please? am i trying to prove to myself that i truly am a pushover??

i guess i'm too forgiving...at the same rate i can't help but help her...
i see so much of myself inside of her...
and how i used to be with my first love.
i wish i would have had some advice...
and i didn't. i want to be that for her.



i guess everything before was petty.
i hope it stays good this time...

ADMIT IT!!!

"You are a faker! You are a fraud! You're living a lie! You don't impress me! You don't intimidate me! ADMIT IT!"-say anything

i truly regret everything that happened that night. i honestly did not think it was going to make THIS happen. not talking? so stupid. i used to think i could connect to that person because i finally felt that i was the same as someone..like they understood what the fuck goes on in my head. you peaced out. and i knew you were going. that's partly why i regret it. how well. i guess we can just all get by when we live inside of a lie.


just lie to me.
not knowing is better
than knowing at all.
staying in the clouds
and never truly knowing...
blissful ignorance.
blessed are the forgetful,
for the get the best even of their blunders...



on a happier note: virginia soooon<333

your sins into me.

colorado isn't happening. how great. just when i build myself up for the take-off.. i get let down. no matter, i'm still getting out of this cold and tired state. i'm going to richmond/virginia beach, va for a month or two or three or four or however long i wanna be there. i'll get to record some shit too. that way it will make it that much easier to get a band together once i start school. yessss. things are finally coming together. no more past. no more maine. no more useless fucking people interferring with my life and my dreams and goals. i have had these goals for years now and i'm finally chasing them. it feels great. it feels free.

i went to boston again this past weekend to see the spill canvas and kelsey. i got to meet the lead singer like 6 times that night. good conversations happened. good times with kels as always. i got to see george again too. we broke our record. seeing eachother twice within one year. haha. friday we went to the show then to see marissa and party a bit. we walked like 4 miles in the fucking cold and i wasn't even drunk. it was fun but numbing. kelsey and i didn't get back to her dorm until 6:30 that morning hahaha. it was amazing. we were like the only ones on the train and we were singing and having a great time.

saturday night we partied yet again but this time i let rubenoff do the trick. 14 bucks a handle. grrreeeatttt. haha. we went to the first party but the cops were there to check on a noise complaint so we peaced it and went to another...turns out it was a fkn BU frat party...and after checking out the group of people my little eye spied the ONLY fucking hxc kid in the joint. of course, of course. he was cool as fuck and all we did was talk about music for like an hour. he was fucking chill. then i was wasted. and kelsey wanted to leave so we could catch the train. so we left and then we met up with some kids on our train playing metro station and then we became best friends and this kid was like freestyling the whole time and apparently we exchanged numbers and it was hilarious. then we got back to kelsey's and went to sleep and then i woke up, came home, and i've been feeling shitty since.

i lost my voice a tad. but virginia happens in 21 days. that's like..amazing.
i can't wait to have soooo much fun and make so many more connections.
i'm loving the life i live and doing whatever it takes to go places. =]


ps. i'm listening to old afi...
it's scary good. i forgot
how much i loved them for sure.