never turn your back.

i should have expected this...i mean, i felt it coming, but did i expect it?? not really, no. "expect nothing and you'll never be disappointed" such truth. i expectedthings from you for so long...and you never even tried. and so, i felt the pain..the torture...the weakness. i hate feeling weak. i hate vulnerablity. more often than not when i let my guard down and turn my back for a moment....i get hurt. it's an odd feeling having your heart start breaking while you're still IN a relationship..let alone when a person moves acrossed the country based on the fact that they THINK it will make things better...and you know. in a way. everything is better. i do not feel used anymore. i feel like i'm getting back to the basics of myself. i'm of course still trying to figure out who that person is..but i do know some solid facts about myself:
-i am honest
-i am giving
-i am willing
-i am open
-i lay my heart on the line too often
-i know a few things i want out of life..
-i am finally living for ME.


you on the other hand. oh you. you will never change. it's not in your nature. you said it yourself. you're stubborn...but oh no. that can't be 100% truth...you changed your opinion of me. you don't want the same thing...but as for your selfishness?? i think that will always remain. or maybe you just really let that shine through with me. maybe not with her. good thing she makes you smile...since i knew that all along. i guess i was just a petty servant that you picked and choosed times to show your attention. oh, but she always had it, didn't she.

things will never be the same. not now. not after everything. i should have listened to my gut. but oh the things...the truths...that i will never tell a single soul. they won't haunt me forever, this is true...but they would leave you bleeding. it's too late now to tell and not even worth it.


i wonder if i'll ever get as wrapped up within myself as you are...hmm. i doubt it. i guess that's because i TRULY put other people first. you never saw that...or maybe you did...and that's why you took advantage me. that must be the reason.





but after all this venting. i feel i should move to a better topic. one of me finally feeling truly happy. i feel recognized for all the right reasons...i feel appreciated. i feel....at peace. restful. calm. i guess he's the type of person to make you feel that way. it's amazing to have a conversation about the same books that we love. the same music we crave. and singing together? oh my gosh. amazingggg vocals. i could sing with him allllll day. not to mention amazing early morning conversations about life, our pasts, and the "high school heather" haha. i'm not saying this will turn into anything...i'm not saying it WON'T turn into anything...it's just refreshing and calming...
this is another genuine friend that i've been needing. a friend is someone who is there for you and willing to be there for you in times of need...and to make you LAUGH! and i cannot breathe around him with all the random statements...gosh, it's great.


tonight was needed. a time for clarity...
and a time for gravity. he's is creating my gravity.

thank you. both of you. for opening my eyes.
say goodbye to say hello.