back to the same old...

3:16am. sleep won't come. i work at 6am. i have no idea why i couldn't sleep...actually, i take that back. i know EXACTLY why i can't sleep. i have way too high of a caffeine intake. i drink far too much coffee. plus, my brain is on overdrive. i guess it's just kind of inspired or...influenced. influenced describes it much better. i had a pretty good talk with kelsey tonight. relationship stuff. i'm glad i went through a whole bunch of relationship junk so i can pretty much give her advice for any situation. it's such a terribly sad feeling to give your every ounce to someone and receive a lesser amount in return. i've been there, done that. and apparently tonight, something i said made her understand why i was so wrecked from the whole "j situation" (yeah, i'm gonna call it that) basically, i dated my best friend of 5 years, lived with him, loved him, supported him, knew everything about him, was completely compatible with him...and it failed.

how is a girl supposed to have any hope of making any sort of relationship work after she fails miserably at dating her best friend? kind of scary to think about.

luckily, time fixed that. well, i haven't loved any one else since that. not fully. not for real. so i guess i won't truly know until that happens again. time.




i think i've almost found a better version of bright eyes. mansions. such a fucking incredible, heart-wrenching band. his voice cuts through you. his emotion and lyrics bring you back to places you buried down deep and had forgotten...it's unreal.

i really feel like saying so much but i really just cannot produce words.


actually, i know what i want to say. you. you know, you need to relax. i know it feels like you might need to rush..or you don't wanna be alone..or this or that...well, guess what. people suck. what, are you mad because you thought i wasn't like everyone else?? here's a lesson from a girl 6 years younger than you, WE ARE ALL THE SAME. you and i are even the same. we have agendas. we have motives. we have needs. we have pet peeves and annoyances and we are greedy, selfish, miserable little creatures looking for something to make us feel something other than alone. i'm sure you wanted all that from me and sure, i said things. i meant them at the time. i didn't think i wanted a boyfriend...i didn't think i had time for a boyfriend. this is a guy i had a thing with a couple months back and we stopped talking because of a few...technicalities...and then we figured things out. simple. it's not the end of the world. i'm just a girl. relax. there are plenty out there that will be happy to trick you and appease you for a while. there's no need to stop following me on twitter, than refollow me...or delete me on facebook then re-friend me. is this freshman year of high school? didn't think so. you're a great guy and super nice but you aren't in any state of being to date a girl. you seriously lack confidence. and that's annoying. this isn't a matter of the typical bullshit of "girls like assholes" because we don't. or at least i don't. but i don't want someone who is constantly second guessing himself or trying to impress me or whatever else you were doing....that drives me insane. i don't like girls for that reason. the second-guessing gets under my skin. just fkn relax and just go with it. that's what i do and i'm doing just fine. and the constant shower of compliments?? that's not my gig, sorry. i don't want you to tell me i'm gorgeous 3 times in 2 sentences. tell me something else of SUBSTANCE you notice. that will actually hold a value to me...or any other girl for that matter.



now. i feel better. that was refreshing. i should go shower and waste time. sounds like a plan.

lydia

Tell me how I finally figured it out,
That now you're caught in the things
You said you'd never do.
And now its starting to show
Like her skin fell out out of her clothes,
She's got a list of moves to make.

Stay for me,
Because it was the first.
Yeah it was the...
Stay on me.

Take your time lighting the room.
When all is said and done
I bet you're covering.
Is it a wonder you're lonely,
Taking chances to feel again.
I bet you never knew,
I bet you never.

Stay for me,
Because it was the first.
Yeah it was the...
Stay on me.

Suddenly, a cloud must have cut a hole in my head,
When i was tangled all in your words.
How quick to forget,
We are, With eyes unimpressed
You're sealing the conversations.
And are you wondering how things could be?
Just staring at the surface,
When all the walls have tendencies.
But it's not your fault when no one taught you how.

And now the one you once loved is leaving.

You're so sure that I'd be just fine here.
But you were surely just taking your own time dear.

Lydia reminds me of winter. i like it. i like it a lot. no longer does it bring back your face..just winter. cold, ice, snow, work, living, breathing, snow snow snow.

that's all i want to remember from two years ago. i'm not so hopeful but i'm trying. i think i'm going to be just fine.


i worked 60 hours this week. 3 jobs now. barely anytime for anything. luckily portland is a half hour closer to my other 2 jobs...and the boy lives in portland. multi-tasking. spending time AND cutting down on traveling. :] i like that.

this weekend was the best i've had in a really long time...even though i worked a double on saturday and regular on sunday. it was comfortable. i have missed that comfort sosososo much. the natural comfort and just..fitting. it was good. i'm still cautious...but i'm glad he realized. i didn't understand why we stopped talking in october...that all got explained...and now it's just, comfy :] i like it.

hopefully this is what i was kind of missing?? i hope.

all i have to do is get through december. if i get through december, i'll be golden.